Where Are My Tears?

Just after hearing that my great grandma died yesterday morning, I got another phone call that my grandpa, on the other side of the family, also passed away.

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Hearing the news of Nana, while extremely sad, was expected. I got to say goodbye to her. I hoped deep in my heart a miracle would happen, and she'd be wake up with a 75 year old body & mind & live forever. But to get that news and not cry was understandable. I had already cried those tears. I had been crying those tears randomly for months.

But hearing that my Grandpa died, out of the blue, in his sleep; it just kind of hits you, like running into a pole. You don't see it coming (obviously), it shocks you and hurts for a couple minutes, but then you don't really feel the reality of the pain until the next day.

My Grandpa was such a nice guy. He was so funny. I didn't get to see him too often because he lived in Florida, but it's the fact that I'll never see him again that makes me miss him so much right now. The fact that I didn't know the last time I saw him might actually be the last time I ever saw him.

Today has just been a day of thinking about Papa and all the fun things I remember about him.

I'll never forget the first time I went golfing with him, Dad, & Aunt Ma. They taught me everything I know about golfing, from which club I should use to how close I can get a golf cart to the green. He was so serious about his golfing. The whole family is. I got to thinking about this when I read my dad's facebook status about Papa's last day. He said:

Dad's last day on earth: 18 holes of golf, a nap, dinner at Cracker Barrel, watch the Yankees, go to bed. A perfect day in his world!

It made me laugh because it's so true. And then I thought about how many times we've eaten early bird dinners at Cracker Barrel. And his amazing cheesecake. And I read some things my cousins wrote on facebook that reminded me of how Papa always said he wanted his first tattoo to be two propellors on his butt cheeks. haha.

I just love how the memories make me laugh. That's a good thing. I like celebrating the life we enjoyed over crying for the death we suffer.