Monday, October 11, 2010

How Do You Know When It's Time to Move On?

I feel like i'm too young to be worrying about the stuff I am.
I should be focusing on my hair, and my tan & having fun.

I'm 19. It's still my year to be 19 & crazy like I always planned. I feel like I've changed so much since I moved to college. I haven't really changed, it's just with everything else changing I don't know what to do with myself. I mean you spend your whole life (18 years) making friends and getting yourself situated where you are, and for what? You move away and leave it all behind.
And yeah it's good memories, but that's all it is - memories.
And you've planned on moving away your entire life. You're gonna make it big and live the good life. Be a college kid; no parents, tons of friends, and a city. (aka, not a small town)
But then you get to this new place and you feel how hard it is to change and to move on, and suddenly your plan gets fuzzy. Suddenly you don't know what you want anymore. All you've ever wanted was the absolute best.

You're taking a chance by moving on and hoping for better things. Staying in the past seems like the safe bet, but is it? I mean, it could be settling. You don't know. Nobody knows. You just go, you pick your faith up and you go holding on to the hope and love as best you can.

So there you are, you've decided you're going to take the chance. You've decided it's not even a chance anymore, it's a definite plan. No matter what, you are going to make things better.

Do you know what that takes? Do you realize how hard that is?
It takes money, endurance, acting, and focus.

Everything cost money. The apartment you live in, the food you eat, the meter you park at, the gas to fuel your vehicle, the places you go.

So you work. Giving you less time for fun, less time to study, more stress, and paying you barely any money.

That my friend takes endurance: to show up to work even when you hate it, to go home and study all night even though you're tired as crap, to go out with friends when all you want to do is lay in the bed and hide.

You may think it's silly, but making friends is a huge part of life! And if you don't set aside time for that, if you don't make yourself do that, you are not going to make it in life.

You have to be a good actor to make friends. You have to be able to pretend to be happy, to pretend to want to be there, pretend to know them, pretend you don't miss your friends back home. 
And with all that going on, you have to keep focus. You have to focus on your budget, focus on your job, focus on your new friends, focus on your old friends, focus on keeping your house clean, focus on your school work, focus in class.
All the while, you have to be perfect. You have to have it all together. Because nobody likes a complainer. Nobody like an insecure person. Nobody likes a loner. Nobody like a mean girl. And while you need to act like you don't care what others think of you, you do, in fact, need to care about what others think of you.
I guess my biggest thing right now is this: I've invest 6 years of my life into the friends I have now.
It took me 6 years to get to where I am with them. It's a relationship you build on and work at for years! And it's not easy learning the ins and outs of others, learning what makes them angry, what makes them laugh, how to tell when they're lying.. I mean it's something I enjoyed, definitely, but by no means do I want to just let it slip away. I can't just throw away all that time and energy and love. And I definitely can't just re-create it with other people. I just feel like nobody amounts to the people I already have in my life. Nobody is as good for me, or cares about me as much as them. I've already got the best, do I really want to move on with the possibility of losing all that?

Sure moving on might mean getting a lot of better things in my life, but it might mean losing the best things.


Kristen said...

I loved this post - it makes me remember when. I may be older than you now, but I still think the way you do when you wrote this. Life is scary. You will make and find new friends, and it is hard and easy all at the same time. One thing I can tell you is that they are more mature relationships (USUALLY) and you will find they will love you for YOU. I'll enjoy reading your blog - we can probably learn lots of things from eachother - me to think like a young person again and you to know what life has to offer in well many years to come!

Kelley said...

It sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into this decision, which is wonderful. If you "move on", as in going away for college, you won't be gone forever. You can still maintain those friendships that ARE really important. You have to make the best decision for your life in the future. If you are letting a wonderful educational opportunity pass you by for the sake of your friends, that might not be the wisest decision. The time you are in school is truly so brief. Your friends can still be your close friends whine you are working on your schooling/career. Your friends are lucky to have you!