I Am 1 in 4 #IHaveFootprintsOnMyHeart

When I was younger, miscarriage wasn't openly discussed. Fortunately for my mom, she didn't experience it - I'm sure things would have been different in our house if she had. Outside of the house it was never brought up either. Being raised in church, I'm pretty surprised that in 21 years the subject was never touched on.

I honestly was probably a little judgmental to the few people around my age who I knew had a miscarriage. I remember thinking one girl really needed to get over it after years of sharing her grief online, and I remember even thinking another girl's lifestyle probably had something to do with her loss.

The sad thing is, that's what ignorance does. THAT is why so many women are speaking up today. Because no one deserves to be judged like that after losing a child, no matter what the circumstance is. Whether she's single, considerably young, considerably old, been told she can't have babies and tried anyway, a recovering addict, in a bad relationship, the list goes on.

There are so many ways to judge someone for their loss, but the fact is that most miscarriages occur because the fetus isn't developing properly - and that's that. There's nothing anyone could have done differently to bring about a different outcome.

So when I was pregnant with my first in 2014, the thought of losing him never once crossed my mind. Who knew that it happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies? Not just 1 in 4 people.. 1 in 4 pregnancies. That's A LOT.

When I showed up to my regular scheduled ultrasound at 20.5 weeks, it was a total gut punch when the ultrasound tech stopped everything and walked out of the room to get the doctor. Right then and there, I had no idea what was happening but it was like I knew it was over. The fear, the overwhelming sadness, the confusion all took over and my tears started pouring out.

Once I was in the hospital room surrounded by family and nurses, I finally started to calm down and feel hope that he could make it. The fight wasn't over.

People from church called my mom and told her stories, their own or a friend's, they said if I stayed on bed rest he could make it. I believed! What hope I had from others sharing stories.

I just wonder how different things might have been if I had heard more stories before even getting pregnant. What if I knew how common miscarriage is? What if I knew what incompetent cervix is? Or knew that skin to skin contact has saved lives? 

My son ended up being stillborn at 21 weeks. Read the full story here. 

It's taken me years to adjust to this new life. Stillbirth is one of those things that marks a turning point for a mother. There's life before this, and there's life after this. You're not the same person and you're life is not the same. People leave your life who could never understand, and people come into your life who are amazed at your strength and help you when you need it.

In January of this year, my husband and I experienced another form of loss that was also totally new to both of us. We had an early miscarriage at around 6 weeks.

We had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of months and were just waiting for the day that I could take a pregnancy test and see results. Finally that day came. I took the test while he was at work, and cried pure happy tears when I saw the positive results. I was so excited to tell him that I ran to the store and bought a cute onesie and a box to put it in. I set up a whole surprise with cameras and all to capture his reaction, because I knew he would be the cutest. It was such an amazing moment.

That week, we worked out other surprises as ways to tell the family. We took his family dinner and gave them a puzzle to figure out. Their reactions were the best! 

It was the best 2 weeks expecting to have his child. Even after what I had been through before, we decided to not let the fear of what could happen get in the way of our joy. It was very early, but we were so ready for this baby.

And then early one morning I woke up while he was at work and saw some spotting. My heart dropped. I got back in bed and hid under the covers praying it was nothing more than just some regular pregnancy spotting. I had friends praying too. As soon as the doctor's office opened, I went.

The first step was for me to take a pregnancy test. I sat and waited with the nurse for the results. We waited. And waited. "It doesn't look like your pregnant," she said.

Again, the tears came rolling down my face. I was so broken hearted again. Not only that, I was angry. She was ready to dismiss me and send me home.

"I took 2 positive pregnancy tests 2 weeks ago." I told her. I showed her pictures of the very visible pink lines. She looked at the pregnancy test again. 

"You know what, I do see a very faint line."

I demanded to have an ultrasound. They were going to have to prove to me there was no baby in there. The ultrasound tech pulled it up, and there it was, a tiny little fetus that hadn't grown past the 4 or 5 week mark.

The doctors and nurses were so nonchalant during this. I almost felt like I shouldn't even be crying based on how they treated me. But the fact was that we had just lost our baby. 

They called it a chemical pregnancy. Another doctor called it a missed abortion. Whatever that means. I don't care what they call it or how careless they want to act about it, a miscarriage is a woman losing her baby. And in this case, it was my husband too, and his family, and my family. All of us, here again, losing a baby.

I don't think anyone could ever know how incredibly hard that 48 hours was for us.

And even 2 months later, when we did try again and found out we were pregnant again - that loss was with us. We were in fear. Our family couldn't be nearly as excited as they were the first time. It was just so hard to feel like this baby wasn't getting celebrated the way she deserved.

But if there's one truth that my experiences have taught me, it’s that every story matters. Every loss is different. Every story deserves to be shared - not just for the family with the loss, but for the girls who didn't know this could happen or who thought they were alone. We need each other’s stories.

If you experienced a loss and didn't grieve much - there's someone out there feeling guilty for not grieving and needs to know it's okay. If you experienced a loss 10 years ago and still cry every day - there's someone else out there who needs to know they're not alone.

For many women who lose a child, no matter what the situation is, we wonder what is wrong with us. We don't just question what is wrong with our bodies, but what is wrong with our psych, and our womanhood. We question what is normal? What does the future hold?

At least I did.

So I encourage you to share your story this October with the hashtag #ihavefootprintsonmyheart

Share your story in the comments, share it on social media, babycenter or your own blog. Scream it out so that others know your baby existed and someone may find your story their saving grace.

Things To Expect With Incompitent Cervix That I Wasn't Prepared For

When I was first pregnant at 21 years old, I went in for a 20 week check up and found that I was 6cm dilated. They diagnosed me with Incompetent Cervix. 

I was put on bed rest - the only option when your cervix is this thin. It was only 4 days until my water broke and my son came way too soon.

My doctor at the time assured me that the next time I got pregnant, I would be able to have a procedure done that would give me a high chance of carrying full-term or close to it.

So this pregnancy, at 12 weeks I was fortunate enough to meet with a local specialist and at 15 weeks I got a cervical cerclage.

That is about all that has gone as expected this pregnancy. Pretty much everything else came as an absolute shock.

Here are the 10 things that I didn't expect with incompetent cervix: 

1. Being Awake During the Cervical Cerclage Procedure - and feeling the doctor doing things inside of me. I had hoped there was a safe way to knock me out without hurting the baby, but unfortunately all I got was a spinal. It numbed all pain from the chest down, however I was still wide awake during the procedure. I could hear everything, and there were some weird sounds. I could feel objects moving around inside me. It literally felt like a dentist appointment in my vagina.
2. Staying in a Recovery Room for 5 Hours Post-Procedure - I've had a gallbladder surgery, and that's about it. This recovery room experience was a first for me, and completely unexpected. The recovery time was unexpected as well. I had read online it could be 3 hours, but I didn't know why. My surgery was done at 12:30pm, and I didn't leave the hospital until about 5:30pm. I got out of the recovery room a few minutes before 5pm. That's almost 5 hours in a room full of really sick, coughing, suffering loudly people. The person to my left was hacking up a lung for hours, the person to my right was snoring really loud, and the person on the other side of the hallway stripped naked and ran off. I couldn't leave until I could lift my own butt off the bed, and I must be a light-weight because that spinal took forever to wear off.
3. Taking a Pill Every Night, Vaginally - Apparently progesterone suppositories are a regular recommendation for those of us with incompetent cervix who get the cerclage. I read a study that I can't find again, but I believe it said without progesterone the cerclage is about 50% successful, and with progesterone it's above 80% successful. So every night when I am about to pass out and then remember I need to take this pill and really want to skip it and just go to sleep, I remind myself how much this can help my baby survive and get my butt up to take the pill.
4. Feeling the Cervical Cerclage Inside Myself (when I insert the pill every night). This really had me freaked out the first time it happened. I was trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling, was it my baby or placenta slipping out of me? Was the cerclage falling out? It doesn't help that it was at night when my thoughts tend to really run wild. I didn't sleep at all that night. Then the doc told me it was just extra cerclage ribbon hanging down.
5. Still Having to Wear Pads - One of the things I looked forward to most during pregnancy was not having to worry about pads & tampons anymore.. boy was I wrong. Some days I say screw it and don't wear them, but I usually regret that because the amount of discharge caused by my progesterone pills. It's almost enough to make you think your water broke some days.
6. Having So Many Doctors Appointments - When I first found out I was pregnant, starting immediately I wanted the doctor's office to see me every week just out of concern. Being that I was only about 6 weeks, they, of course, didn't. But once I got to my second trimester I was going bi-weekly at least, sometimes weekly or even twice a week. By 20 weeks, I had been to 10 appointments when most people would be on their 2nd appointment. No complaints here - luckily I have a job that allows me to do it. I have no idea how others could keep a job and have incompetent cervix, though.
7. Not Being Put on Bed Rest, But Knowing It Could Happen Any Day - Before this experience, I thought there was a good chance that when I got my cerclage I would be put on bed rest or modified bed rest at best. But I've actually been allowed to do "life as normal" - it doesn't always feel like it since I can't do anything that exudes too much energy or stress on my body like working out, or anything that could cause infection like swim or take long baths. But I can still go on vacation, go grocery shopping, do the dishes & laundry, film weddings on the weekends that I have them booked (I am a wedding videographer), etc. Unfortunately, this doesn't apply to everyone, and it could not apply to me in a couple of weeks. As long as my cervix is measuring 3-4cm long my doctor says I can carry on with a fairly regular life.
8. My Cervix Growing Over My Cerclage - I'm only 23 weeks right now, so as far as I know this hasn't happened to me, but I am fully expecting it to. The women I've talked to in the waiting room have had this happen, and when I brought it up to the doctor he was like, "Ah, yeah that happens," all nonchalantly. Apparently it happens a lot. They just cut the cerclage out and it leaves a lot of scar tissue.
9. Planning to Have a Regular Labor Experience / Vaginal Delivery - I honestly didn't know if once I got the cerclage I'd be able to have a vaginal delivery. I thought once I was sewn up it would stay and I would have a C-section. Apparently they will do another procedure to take the cerclage out around 37 weeks, which should allow me to naturally go into labor and have a vaginal delivery anytime after that.
10. Not Knowing What's a "Normal Pregnancy Pain" And What's Different For Me. There are a lot of random things that happen to pregnant women that may have never happened to someone else before, skin issues as an example is something I've dealt with. But when it comes to certain abdominal pain, it's really hard for me to know if it's "normal" or if it's because my cervix is adjusting to being sewn up, or is it infection, or is it something else? As if pregnant women don't have enough to stress out about, every little pain makes me wonder if my stitch is okay or if something could be going wrong.

Did you have a cervical cerclage? Let me know what you've been dealing with that you were totally unprepared for in the comments!

10 Things To Do For FUN During a High-Risk Pregnancy (If You're Not on Bed Rest)

23 weeks and counting, and this high-risk pregnancy has me really struggling to find ways to feel like myself and not feel like life as I know it is over.

I've always said that I won't be a mom who drops everything she loves when she has kids - and I know I'm too selfish to ever let that happen, but right now I have to do everything I can to keep my baby girl safe inside me.

My husband works swing-shift, and it's hard enough to get time together. Lately when we do, the conversation usually starts like this:

Husband: "What do you want to do tonight, babe?"
Me: "I'm not really sure, what do you want to do?"
Husband: "I can't really think of anything that won't put too much stress on your body."
Me: *huge sigh*

My body is exhausted of resting. My hips are killing me from laying on my side so much. And I'm only halfway through this pregnancy.

I found myself typing into Google: "Things to do for fun when your high-risk" and all I got were huge lists of things I couldn't do. Typical.

SO I have compiled a list of things that WE CAN do during a high-risk pregnancy - given that you're not on bed rest. Of course, everyone of us is different, and for some of these you should probably text your doctor really quick to make sure it's okay in your specific case. I know you have his or her cell number just like I do.

For the record here is a quick cap of things I can't do during my high-risk pregnancy that I usually do for fun:

1. Swim
2. Take a bath
3. Have sex
4. Drink wine / alcohol (obvious but still worth mentioning)
5. Over-eat
6. Exercise
7. Ride go-carts /  four wheelers
8. Bowling
9. Duck hunting

10 Things To Do For FUN During a High-Risk Pregnancy:

1. Mini Golf - My doc approved for me to go to the driving range with my husband, we both enjoy golfing. But after a while the heat and the big swings had me feeling some pain that scared me. But mini golf is a definite date idea during high-risk pregnancy. The small swings, light walking, and going in the evening as it's cooling down outside makes it a win in my books.
2. Play Board Games - This isn't something my husband and I have a habit of doing on our own. Some couples do. We used to have friends over for drinking games, but now we're learning to sit at the table and play board games sober. Invite some friends or family over, or stick to the two of you. When you can't have sex, it can be a struggle to find ways to be intimate with your husband. A little one-on-one competition or game of laughter is great way to step away from the electronics and focus on each other.
3. Paint a Canvas - Everybody loves to paint. I've found myself signing up for Paint 'n' Sip nights and then realizing I can't sip. But canvas's and paints are really cheap and easy to find at Walmart. Don't forget to pick up a small table easel and you'll be all set for your own relaxing paint night at home. Just don't forget to drop the perfectionism when you pick up the paint brush or you'll end up stressing yourself out. Nobody has to see this painting when you're done, just do it to relax, and if you enjoy it, you'll get better in time.
4. Beach/Lake Day - Lay out, sit in the shade, walk along the shore for a little while, go fishing... If you don't live close to the beach or a lake, maybe take a ride up the closest mountain, to a nearby waterfall, or whatever cool landmark is near your city and just have a picnic and enjoy the view with your significant other, family or friends. It may seem like the last thing you want to do if it's a couple hours away, but if it gets you out of the house and doesn't put stress on your body, just do it or you're going to go crazy this pregnancy.
5. Shoot Pool / Billiards - This involves a decent amount of bending over, but if you pull up a chair and have no shame, you can do this without putting too much stress on your body and enjoy a night out with the husband like you used to, only a little different. It kind of prepares you for old age together. 
6. Listen To Live Music - Facebook events are wonderful for finding local live music. Go to the local park, bar or restaurant to hear some live music. Maybe pick a genre or event you wouldn't usually go to like open mic night or bluegrass, you need a little spice in your life right now. Heck, go to karaoke and try doing it sober for once.
7. Get a Massage / Couples Massage - This can be pricey, but when my husband and I were dating I signed up to be a secret shopper, and we were reimbursed for both of our massages. During this pregnancy he bought a prenatal massage for me early in my second trimester and it was amazing. I wasn't getting any sleep and had tension headaches all day long for about 2 weeks straight, after my massage the headaches and back pain went away. I started sleeping better too, until later in the second trimester when my belly got much bigger - but this was solved with a pregnancy pillow.
8. Go To the Local Flea or Farmer's Market - Walk at your own pace, quit when you've had enough. Get outside for a while and spend very little money on things that you need or don't need for your little one that's on the way.
9. Go to a Comedy or Theater Show - Nothing beats a night of hardy laughter. Who needs to drink when you're thoroughly entertained? Find a comedy show or a show at the local theater that sparks your interest. Not only are you supporting your local community, but you're going to have a night out with very little stress.
10. Google Things To Do In Your City or Towns Nearby - The chamber of commerce in most towns are just now getting with the program and starting to get their websites updated with useful information. If you looked before, there could be something totally new on their website now. I have always loved horses. I just recently moved near a town that hosts annual horse races. When I googled things to do in that town, I was really happily surprised to see that I could go to the track and watch the horses exercise, and they host a National Steeplechase Museum. I would have never known this if I wasn't sitting home, bored out of my mind during my high-risk pregnancy.

Got any other ideas? Leave a comment with some things we could do during our high-risk pregnancies!

How I Saved Big On First Time Baby Necessities (And Non-Necessities)

If you can't stop yourself from overbuying, at least you can stop yourself from overpaying.

"Overbuying" is a term often associated with first time moms who feel like they have to have everything on the market for their precious baby. I never thought I'd fall victim to overbuying, but here I am, sitting in a house full of super expensive options for my baby to sleep and play in for her first 6 months. Oh, and her closet and dresser are both already full of super cute clothes. Did I mention that I haven't had a baby shower yet?

The good news is that I didn't pay full price for any of it. Thanks to Facebook Marketplace, I've been online thrift shopping for deals since the moment that I reached my second trimester.

People have always asked me how I find such great steals at thrift stores like Goodwill and local charities, now I've even impressed myself with my ability to sort through the crap on Facebook Marketplace and get top-of-the-line, like-new items for a fraction of the original price.

What's my key to success?

Patience and persistence.

You've got to browse around before you buy to really make sure you're getting a deal. Some people will try selling you used items for $5 less than MSRP. You could get that brand new when a store has a sale. I typically won't buy anything used if it's being sold at over half the price of MSRP. Sometimes I make an exception if I know it's exactly what I want and in great condition and will save me not just money but the time and hassle of buying it new or on sale.

You've got to see good, clear pictures of the product and get some questions answered from the seller. Does it work good? Why are you selling it? Does it have any issues? Is it clean? Smoke-free home?Some people will sell you something "like-new" that is totally trashed. I talk to the people for a bit to get a sense of their personality and get my questions answered, I check out their public profile and I ask myself if I would be friends with them. If not, I probably shouldn't trust what they're selling.

You've got to trust the process. My motto is, "When it's meant to be, it will happen." Don't settle for anything less than exactly what you want just because you think it's your only chance to get it. I missed out on a lot of strollers and other items that I thought were perfect because I passed it up, either had some stains that were really visible, didn't quite work right (but "could be fixed"), was dirty or older than what I wanted, or wasn't the complete package of what I was looking for. These things were almost perfect, and for the price it's easy to convince yourself that it's worth it.

Remember - you're not thrift shopping to settle for less than what you want - your thrift shopping to find great deals on exactly what you want.


Alright - so let's get to the meat of it. What did I save all this money on that's so perfect for my baby? 

Let me start with my absolute favorite item.

Modes™ Click Connect™ Travel System - Originally $350, I paid $75

When I started my search for a stroller, I knew nothing. I thought I wanted a jogger, but I didn't know why. I was told car seat carrier strollers are the way to go until the baby gets bigger, then I'd need to get something else. I quickly learned that no matter which used stroller I chose, I definitely wanted one that came with the infant car seat so I know it fits and I don't have to worry about finding a car seat separately.

I passed up on what I thought were some amazing strollers because they just weren't perfect. I was waiting until the time was right and I found one that I knew was perfect. That's when I saw this stroller / car seat combo.

This stroller is amazing because it grows with your child from infant to toddler. It includes the Graco top-rated SnugRide® Click Connect™ 35 Infant Car Seat. It is 3 strollers in 1 - Infant Car Seat Carrier, Infant Stroller and a Toddler Stroller. Not only that, but it also offers 10 different riding options. The reversible stroller seat allows your baby to face you, reclines flat to create an infant carriage and then converts to a forward-facing toddler seat.

My personal favorite features that really separate it from others are the huge basket under the stroller and the foot rest that can be let down or pulled up to catch toys / shoes if your toddler tends to lose them.

Fisher-Price® Deluxe Newborn Auto Rock 'n Play™ Sleeper in Safari Dreams - Originally $90, I paid $25

Fisher-Price® Cradle 'n Swing in Safari Dreams - Originally $168, I paid $75

Fisher-Price® Deluxe Bouncer in Safari Dreams - Originally $64.99, paid $25

One thing I know about babies is that you NEVER know what's going to work for them.

The swing and the bouncer were bought together from a friend who was selling them. I paid a little more for the swing than I would have if it were from a stranger, but I still paid less the 50% of MSRP so I still consider it a steal. Plus it matches the bouncer and the colors in our house.

After purchasing those 2 items, I was told by multiple people that the Rock 'n Play was the only thing their newborn would sleep in. I wasn't so sure that I was going to buy one, until I found this matching Rock 'n Play for only $25. You cannot pass that up.

The amazing thing about all 3 of these items is that they have built in sound machines, machine washable and dryer-safe inserts and seat pad, and they each allow you to choose and combine different features that's just right for your baby.

If our baby can't be content sitting by herself with all these options, then we have a problem.


HALO® Bassinest™ Swivel Sleeper in Gray Harmony - Originally $250, paid $150

I'll be honest, this is an item that I was really excited about when I bought it, but now I'm wondering if it's going to be worth it. As always, you just never know with a baby. At least if she doesn't like it, I didn't pay full price.

I bought this from the same friend who sold me the Fisher Price swing and bouncer. It's something I wouldn't have bought from a stranger, especially not above 50% of MSRP, but she was offering and I knew I needed something like it, so why not get the top of the line product that's in like-new condition? 

Looking on Facebook marketplace, there are a ton of these for sale near me. The lowest I've seen them for is $100, but most are around $150 or even more.

I have high hopes for this item. It, along with the ones listed above, save me money on a sound machine, because they all have them built in. This bassinet is also really cool because it vibrates and even has a nursing timer to wake you up to nurse. It's 360 rotation lets baby sleep as close as you like, while still safely in her own separate sleep area. It also makes getting in and out of bed easy. It's height is adjustable, and the mesh walls allow you to tend to your baby while still in bed.

Let's just hope baby likes it as much as I do. 

Graco Pack n Play Playard w/ newborn napper, bassinet and changing table - Originally $130, I Paid $50

One thing that is agreed upon among pretty much every mother I know is that you need a Pack n Play. I started looking for these brand new and was not down with the price. I knew I wanted one that came with all of these 3 accessories - the newborn napper, bassinet and changing table. I couldn't find one of these new for less than $100. So when I found this on Facebook Marketplace for $50, I jumped. Most used Pack n Plays for sale didn't have all of these accessories and were being sold for this same price.

I'm not able to find the exact playard that I have online, but it's basically a slightly older version than the one that I linked to above. At the end of the day, I got what I wanted and saved money.


Boppy Nursing Pillow and Positioner - Originally $30, I Paid $5

Last but not least, this small ticket item - I got the Boppy nursing pillow for 83% off. Most people are trying to sell these for $20 used, but I waited until I saw a price I was willing to pay - $5. It's clean and in good condition, from a smoke-free home, and the pillow case can be washed or switched out.

All in all in this list, I have saved $678 and still purchased top of the line products - spending only $405 on all of these items. That's almost the price of the stroller & car seat alone! 

Yes, I can admit that I purchased some things that I may not have if it weren't an amazing deal. Some people would say, "Do you really save if you're buying things you don't need?" - in my house, that's the entire reason we thrift shop. You can get so much more for your money! 

I'm not going thrift shopping to buy something gross and old - I'm thrifting to buy "luxury items" that I would never buy at full price.

Good Articles To Read For Those Struggling With High Risk Pregnancy

I took a quiz the other day to learn my enneagram type, (an ancient body of wisdom that identifies nine core personality types and how each sees and interacts with the world). I'm a romantic.

Described by disowned emotional fluctuations, difficulty accepting constraints and ordinary aspects of life, a tendency to fall in self-absorption, disproportionate idealism, a tendency to focus upon what is missing or lacking in the relationship, and finally sensitivity to criticism.

Spot on.

Dealing with the condition I've been dealt with and the struggles of a high risk pregnancy hasn't been the easiest for a self-absorbed, overly emotional romantic like me. If you think a high risk pregnancy is a breeze, and if you think bed rest is an opportunity to be lazy, you my friend are a rare breed and I hope you realize how lucky you are.

For me, not being able to get up and go to the gym as both my outlet and my method to keep in shape is extremely hard to deal with. Worrying that people think I'm using pregnancy as an excuse to not do things really bothers me. Hearing, "It's okay to work out while you're pregnant," or "You really don't need to be that worried," makes me feel so frustrated and misunderstood.

For others with high risk pregnancy, keeping to a strict diet, giving themselves shots every day, or visiting the OBGYN every week can make life so complicated that they cry at the thought of it.

I've lost one child already because of my condition. Don't try to tell me I just don't appreciate the gift that I'll get when this is over. I KNOW how bad I want a safe, healthy daughter, and I am willing to do everything I need to for her. But that doesn't mean it's easy. And it sure doesn't mean I won't shed a few tears.

So, sitting on this couch feeling my muscles that I worked so hard for turn to mush, I began my search for articles, blogs, anything related to my condition called Incompetent Cervix. There really isn't much more than Web MD definition type of stuff. But I was able to find a few things that gave me comfort that I'm not alone, and that made me realize that I don't have it as bad as I sometimes feel that I do.

For other mamas out there struggling to keep it together during their high risk pregnancy, here's a collection of some articles that I personally don't want to lose site of.

If you think you have it bad, try reading about women in South Africa: What Is Incompetent Cervix? A Mom Shares Her Story.

If you think you're alone in feeling this way, check out these 10 Struggles Every Mom With A High Risk Pregnancy Can Understand.

If you're looking for some straight-forward, honest advice: 10 Tips to Get Through Your High-Risk Pregnancy Without Losing Your Shit

If you just like reading other's stories check out, Truly Tafakari's post, Carrying My High-Risk Pregnancy and the “Weight” of Mommy Guilt

If you want to follow a blogger who has had incompetent cervix and who posts regularly on pregnancy & mom-related subject, I've really enjoyed Priscilla Blossom's posts on Romper.

And if you feel like there aren't enough resources for women like you, then start a blog or facebook group and get something going. There really aren't enough blogs about high risk pregnancy, but with more and more women feeling comfortable to talk about the honest truth, it's only a matter of time.

Have an article that you enjoyed reading during your high risk pregnancy? Please share in the comments!

Announcing Baby Gates: Our Rainbow Baby Is a Girl!

I am so happy to share that I am finally expecting my rainbow baby! AND it's a girl!

In 2013 I lost my son at 21 weeks due to incompetent cervix. Read more on that here.

Earlier this year, my husband and I tried to get pregnant and lost what we hoped to be our first child together super early, at about 6 weeks.

A few months later, we found out that we are expecting again. And on July 4th when we had scheduled our annual Independence Day parts, we decided to have a big explosion to find out that we are having a girl!

Here is the video:
 

I'm Sorry I'm a Wreck, It's Just That My 4 Year Old Isn't Here

It's not every day I find myself feeling and acting like this, I promise. It happens more than I'd like to admit, though - at least twice a year. I don't mean two days out of the year, but a week or two in the spring and a week or two in the fall.

I honestly never see it coming, either. You'd think after 4 years I would get a grip. But it hasn't happened yet.

So I'm sorry if I'm difficult to deal with right now. It's just that my 4 year old son isn't here. He was here, at one time, for a very short time - 21 weeks, to be exact. That's all I got with him. And as grateful as I am for that time with him, sometimes it just really gets to me that that's all I got. During that time, I took for granted the fact that he was here. I thought he'd be here longer than I would. I never dreamed I would be here without him.

I'm sorry if I cry or get frustrated at the smallest little thing. It's just that this month I would be planning my son's 4th birthday party if he were still here. It's not something I try and think about, it just happens. It's not something I'm intentionally acting out about, in fact, I don't even realize that's what's going on until I get a moment alone, and it hits me like a ton of bricks. The truth is, I'm still pretty angry that I don't get to see him blow out his candles, or take pictures of him with all of his cousins. Instead, my house is so very, very empty.

I'm sorry if I look a hot mess as I push my cart through the grocery store. I know you're a little uncomfortable as you make eye contact with me, unsure if you should see if I'm alright or just leave me alone. It's just that for some reason, every time I'm alone, these tears just come rushing from my eyes. I can't understand it anymore than you can. I'm not in any trouble, I just can't get my mind off of what could have been. The variety of cakes over there makes me wonder which would have been his favorite. The little girl in the cart beside me reminds me of how much fun this shopping trip could be if I were preparing for a birthday party. And those toys in that other aisle put a picture in my head of what my son might have looked like playing with them - a sight I will never really get to see.

I'm sorry if I say I'm fine, even though you can clearly tell that I'm not. I'm not trying to close myself off from you or make some dramatic scene where I pretend to be stronger than I am. It's just that if I were honest, there would either be this extremely awkward silence and then I would have to pretend that getting that little bit of information off my chest made me feel so much better, or you would share an intense story and some great advice and we'd both end up a blubbering mess - and to be honest, I can't handle either right now.

I'm sorry if I look like some kind of addict as I purchase my go-to vice to help me calm my nerves. I didn't think about grabbing a hair-tie or doing my make up as I left the house, so I literally woke up like this. I know I should learn to handle this pain in a different manor, but sometimes it hurts so bad that I just can't bring myself to do anything but try to numb it as quickly as possible. It's not an every day thing (round of applause), but you're right, it shouldn't be a thing at all.

I'm not really sure if my apology means anything to you. I wouldn't blame you if you just ignored it, and then began to ignore me all together. It's not right, and it's not fair to you or anyone else. It's not fair to me, either, although you may see it differently. Maybe you think you could handle it differently, and maybe you could. Maybe there are a million other women who have been through the exact same thing as me and 4 years later they can go on as if nothing ever happened. Maybe I am all alone in this - God knows I feel like I am. But I don't think so.

Most of the time, I love to talk about my son. Most days, I'd give anything for you to ask me about him. I can smile at his memory, share stories of my pregnancy as if it didn't end with the most tremendous loss of my life, but right now - well right now I'm struggling.

So whether you will forgive me or not, I'm going to forgive myself. Whether you want to talk to me ever again or not, I'm going to move forward, wipe these tears from my face and continue with my day the best that I can.

You may be slightly uncomfortable, but this pain that I'm feeling is agonizing. My stomach has been turning for days. My head hurts so bad from how hard I've cried. I have contacts in but I can't even see straight. I'm exhausted. I haven't done much, but I'm out of breath - any other day I could run a mile (with a couple of breaks in between).

I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I just want to explain myself.

I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

The girl with the picture-perfect life who appears to be miserable

A painful affair

Four years later and I'm out of words.
I can't explain the way it hurts.

I can't deny my feeling bitter,
when a baby laughs, and I'm just the sitter.

While some leave scars you see so clear,
wounds like mine just disappear.

The pain, I feel most every night,
it scoots up close and holds me tight.

When death chose us to intertwine,
this pain became my glass of wine - 

my solace when it seems surreal -
a love affair to make me feel.

My comfort is this aching heart.
It's been here with me from the start.

It tucks me in most every night,
and memories flash til morning light.

A strong reminder that you were here,
This pain is something I hold dear.

Drying the Tears - A Poem for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month as a way to recognize the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other similar causes.

Since then, Robyn Bear has proclaimed October 15th to be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day so that we have a single day to reach out to those grieving, a day for all grieving parents to come together and reflect on the loss yet embrace the love. While our babies' lives were so brief, they were also very meaningful. Yet, there was not a time to talk about them. Our society seemed to forget or perhaps didn't know how to reach out.

For Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day we hope that you take a moment to reach out to someone who you know is grieving, or share an article or image you think could help someone feel like the world cares and they're not alone. We ask everyone in all times zones, worldwide, join us in a candle lighting ceremony at 7pm on October 15th.

---  Drying the Tears: A Poem for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day ---

Here I am alone, wondering what it would be like
to be doing what I'm doing, and then to hear you cry.

Would I be the kind of mommy that smiles at every sound,
or would I be so tired that I fall to the ground?

Would I appreciate your life the way that you deserve?
Would I listen to your cries, and make you feel heard?

Would you throw your toys, then look up at me and smile?
Would you give me big hugs just because it's been a while?

Would you make a big mess and let me teach you how to clean?
Would you bite your cousin's arm? Would you be naughty and mean?

Would I have loved you as strongly as I love you now?
Would you have a happy life? Could we make it, somehow?

Would we sing the same songs and laugh at life together?
I can't help but think that life would be so much better.

As I'm holding back tears, I look up to the skies,

and smile when I feel you drying mommy's eyes.

Not a single tear's fallen and I know that you're here
with me every day, drying the tears.


Resources for Pregnancy and Infant Loss:
What I Wish I Knew Before I Delivered My Stillborn Son
For the Mamas Who Lost Their Babies: You are still a Mother
What I Mean When I Say My Daughter Was Stillborn
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Facebook Group
October 15th

Braden's Letter: Mommy Please Don't Cry

Mommy please don't cry, I see you down below.
I know you wonder why you had to see me go.

But Mommy, I love it here, and I know you'll love it too.
The angels take good care of me, & they'll take care of you.

I know you miss me bad, I know that it's been hard,
but Mommy don't be sad that we're so far apart.

One day you'll get to see me, and you'll get to hold my hand.
When the time is right we'll meet. I hope you understand.

It's been explained to me, by an Angel at the gate.
She helped me to see, why I shouldn't be afraid.

I can't tell you why, but one day you will see,
That we are truly blessed, and you'll be set free.

There's a reason that I'm here, and not below with you.
Believe that I am happy, and want you to be too.

I don't like to see you cry, although you think I do.
I can't wait until we meet, mommy, I love you.

PHOTO VERSION TO SHARE:

Life is Nothing Without You

Today is the day. The one day of the year that I keep in my mind all year around. The one day that I have already planned to plan nothing for the rest of my life. April 15.

The day that I have tattooed on my neck. The day that I simultaneously dread and look forward to. The day that changed my life forever.

It's the day that my son would be turning 2, should life have thrown me the miracle I prayed for.

Or, the day that should mean nothing to me, should life have gone the way I had wanted.

But that's not what life is about, is it? When something good happens, when things go as planned, you don't hear people say, "Well, that's life for ya!" Because that's not life.

Life is full of disappointment, lost hope, broken promises. It comes with pain, loss and grief. Life is ugly.

And what I've learned over the years is that nothing, and I mean nothing compares to the love of Jesus Christ.

Nothing can give you hope, restore your joy, or fill the void when you've lost the thing you valued most in life quite like God can.

Nothing else can pull you in and hold you tight when you feel all alone and afraid for your life, or give you hope when you think there's no reason for you to stay, or give you strength when you feel like you can't get back up.

Everything in this world is fleeting. Here today, gone tomorrow.

But God is forever. He is Zen. He is love, forgiveness, teacher, shrink, father, and best friend. He is your good conscience, your direction.. He is everything.

In everything that has happened in my life, He is the one constant. He is home.

It's not the church, it's not the people, it's not the small town, it's not the house I grew up in, it's not eating pizza on Friday nights. Everything that I thought made me happy, is nothing.

And now I know from here on out, anything that I think makes me happy, is nothing. It's nothing compared to God.

Why I Won't Stop Posting About My Still Born Baby

There are people out there, right now, rolling their eyes and mumbling under their breath because they see yet another post about pregnancy and infant loss, saying, "We all know what you went through! Snap out of it already!"

I've heard things. I've seen rude comments and status updates from people who wish people struggling would not post about it on social media. "Just keep it to yourselves," they say.

I am now at such a peace with myself, and what I've been through, that I just do not care that those people are out there.

They don't know what true loss feels like, and they just can't relate. They can choose to unfollow my posts. I'm not writing for them.

The truth is - my son deserves a voice. All babies who left this world early, deserve a voice. They deserve somebody here on this earth to remember them, and fight to find a reason for their death, and to help prevent similar situations in the future.

Bereaved mothers deserve a voice. Women who have lost and have not been able to speak up. Women who can't express themselves. Women who have been told it's not a public matter. We all deserve a voice.

And I deserve to express my emotions whenever and however I want. ALL bereaved parents deserve to express their loss, express their sorrow, their pain, and their love for their lost child, however they want.

When I first started posting and opening up to others about my loss, I felt weak. I felt like this sad person who just couldn't stop talking about the past.

I thought about all the women I had known for so long, who I never knew had experienced a miscarriage or still-birth, and how strong they have been to keep their composure. They don't have to post about it, or publically tell others their story and their struggles. They manage to keep it to themselves and make it through the struggle without making it a big public matter.

I thought that this was the right thing to do, the strong thing to do.  Go through a struggle quietly.  Don't bother others with your pain.

But the truth is - none of it is "right" or "wrong."  We all handle our grief however best we can.

The other day I saw a post from a mother who hadn't told her facebook friends about her loss.
She said on a support thread:

"I am posting about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, but I feel hypocritical because I am not going to tell them I myself have experienced a loss. I am not as strong as you ladies!"

And I thought, Not as strong?

This was the first time that I thought, maybe, I might be strong.

Maybe, we might all be strong.

The mother who has lost a child and never told anyone - is strong.

The mother who has lost a child and posts anonymously about their loss - is strong.

The mother who has lost a child and shares their memory every chance she gets - is strong.

The mother who has lost a child and started a philanthropy in their name - is strong.

We've all overcome the same or a similar loss, we've just taken different journeys.

Choosing to be open about loss is a personal choice. And for me, this a chance to do good.

A chance to let other women see that it's okay to talk about pregnancy and infant loss, and share resources and a warm environment for women who need to talk, but don't how to open up or who to talk to.

You never know who needed to hear those words you shared on your timeline today. Or will see a blog post you share and send it to someone they know who is struggling.

I've found instagram to be an amazing place to reach out to other women who are struggling with a loss and have no one to turn to.

It's a chance to help people who haven't been through anything like this to understand the thought process and the feelings someone goes through, to help them understand how to be there for a loved one who has experienced it.

A chance to provide direction for someone as lost as I was after unexpectedly losing a child.

A chance to prove to the world that every struggle is a blessing.

For Braden's 1st Birthday

You were conceived on November 11, 2012. I first found out you were really here on January 1st, with the help of 5 pregnancy tests your father got me. I had my suspicions, (he did too) but the winter holidays always puts a few pounds on me, and well, I've always been moody. When you came into our lives we had no idea just how you would change things.  

On January 31th Daddy, Pookie and I saw you for the first time moving all around, "Party in the womb," as I called it. I could tell you were excited, ready to show Mommy all of your new tricks. You were very much alive, so full of life.

Every day was a new adventure, every momentous milestone celebrated from the mundane to the extraordinary. And every day passed so slow until the next time I could hear your precious heart beat and see you again.

On April 11th I finally got to see you again! You were so big! For a second I closed my eyes and you shared a secret with your daddy - we were having a little boy!

But then we discovered that something was seriously wrong, mommy couldn't hold you in much longer. You were so excited. We were all excited. My body couldn't handle the excitement. So we were taken to a bed where we could lay down and try to keep you in my tummy a little longer.

On April 12th daddy told me your secret and we officially gave you your name Braden Ray Leach, even though I had secretly known all along that's what we would call you. We missed our gender reveal party. We had to stay in bed. My body was weak. But you were strong. You were healthy. I got to hear your heartbeat every day.

Your daddy was right beside us the whole time. Your grandparents came and visited and helped take care of us, your aunts and uncles came, your cousins, friends and pastors. We had a lot of people praying for us, praying for you, praying for mommy's body to stay strong for you.

On April 15 you had reached 21 weeks. Mommy and daddy woke up really early and we got to spend time together as a family, just us 3, and Teddy the little bear your daddy got you. It was 4:00 in the morning, we wondered why we both were wide awake so early. But by 10:00 we knew. This was the day you would arrive. At 21 weeks. Your little body wasn't ready. We knew it, you knew it, everyone knew it. And then, just before we were going to meet you we found you with no heartbeat. My little monkey, my little show off, he wasn't moving anymore.

I never got to hear your little cry, or look into your beautiful eyes, or felt your tiny hand grip mine. We got to see you, but you never go to see us.

And so today, for your birthday, your daddy and I are sending up a single balloon to the heavens. Something we promise to do every year for your birthday.

I love you Braden Ray Leach with all my heart. You are my son. My first born. You are in an amazing place right now, I know you know I miss you and I wish you were here, but I know that is selfish because you are in Heaven! My son never had to face the challenges and heartache of this world - a gift that's impossible to be grateful for.

Braden Ray Leach

Due date: August 18, 2013

Birth date: April 15, 2013

Time: 1:34pm

Weight: 15oz.

Height: 11.75"

A year ago today I went for a normal check up and found out something was terribly wrong. 

Like most tragedies, this is something you can't understand until you go through it. This one is especially morbid. It puts thoughts you'd never expect in a mother's head. It's like something out of a gross made up horror story. It changes a person's soul.

I found this blog post, What I Mean When I Say My Daughter Was Stillborn that I really wanted to share with everyone. She describes perfectly how I, and many others who have been through this feel.

"I don’t think that most people understand me when I say that my daughter was stillborn." she starts the post.

"Stillbirth does not just happen. It’s not clean and surgical. Instead, it is messy and active, and it opens a wound whose pain throbs on long past you wish it would. And it changes you."

Whether you know someone who has experienced this and want more understanding of how they feel, or if you have experienced this and want to know you're not alone, you should read this post.
Warning: it's a sad one.

Taken Care Of.

Whenever I’m in a period in my life when I feel close to God, it’s so amazing. It’s been a while, honestly, since I’ve felt close to Him. But without suffering, how will we know joy? And without distance, how will we ever know warmth?

For the first time in forever I can hear Him. It’s so strange, it blows my mind how fast He works. I just started doing morning and night devotions 2 days ago, and already I hear Him talking to me. He’s never left my side!

Just that thought alone gives me enough joy that I could fall to pieces and not care. 

I got into reading Ecclesiastes somehow, don’t ask me how God lead me here to this book and this chapter. It had nothing to do with my devotions, except that if I hadn’t started these devotions, I probably would have never clicked on a link, and read someone’s testimony, and got interested in Ecclesiastes 5: 5, and then looked it up and read the whole chapter. 

Isn’t it crazy how God can take you from where you are and lead you to where you need to be?

The entire Ecclesiastes chapter 5 is a really good read, but I just really feel like I need to share starting at verse 10. It just really hits home.

Ecclesiastes 5 New Living Translation (NLT).

The Futility of Wealth

¹⁰ Those who love money will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness! ¹¹ The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what good is wealth—except perhaps to watch it slip through your fingers!

¹² People who work hard sleep well, whether they eat little or much. But the rich seldom get a good night’s sleep.

¹³ There is another serious problem I have seen under the sun. Hoarding riches harms the saver. ¹⁴ Money is put into risky investments that turn sour, and everything is lost. In the end, there is nothing left to pass on to one’s children. ¹⁵ We all come to the end of our lives as naked and empty-handed as on the day we were born. We can’t take our riches with us.

¹⁶ And this, too, is a very serious problem. People leave this world no better off than when they came. All their hard work is for nothing—like working for the wind. ¹⁷ Throughout their lives, they live under a cloud—frustrated, discouraged, and angry.

¹⁸ Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. ¹⁹ And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. ²⁰ God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.

Verse 11 – “The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what good is wealth—except perhaps to watch it slip through your fingers!”

Do you ever feel like that? Like your money just goes, and no matter how much you make you’re going to have the same amount left over? I say this all the time! I could make $600 one month and have the same left in the bank as if I made $1200 that month. It doesn’t make any sense to me! But to hear the Word of God say it – I don’t know, it just does something to me. It gives me a sense of calm. All this stressing about money – but we weren’t meant to have any of it! What we get is a blessing from God, so just sit back and be thankful for what He’s given you, and TRUST that He will provide what you need!

^16 “And this, too, is a very serious problem. People leave this world no better off than when they came. All their hard work is for nothing—like working for the wind. ¹⁷ Throughout their lives, they live under a cloud—frustrated, discouraged, and angry.”

This – this is just a jaw dropper to me. This is exactly how I feel. So the way I feel… is the same way God feels? So I’ve been kind of angry with God about something He too is upset about... so, have I been mad at the wrong guy?

^18 “Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good.” 

Oh, so there is some good news here??

“It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. ¹⁹ And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it.”

Okay, so what you’re saying is… Work for what you got, and then enjoy it. No, no, no… “enjoy their work under the sun;” so what you’re saying is… Do what you enjoy doing. 

So this life, God, isn’t just a test to see who can make it to Heaven? It’s not some punishment for the fallen man?

You see the problem we have with all this work we have to do just to survive, and you pity us?? 

You see me, God, living under this cloud of frustration, discouragement, and anger.. and you just want me to be happy. 

You didn’t create the world to be like this, did You?

There is one thing I know and it's that God is good. He is faithful. He provides. He is Good! He has never let me down, I’ve always been able to pay what I need to pay to survive – and find the work when I need it. I just need to accept my lot in life, accept my portion, accept that I am broke right now. And if I follow God and trust Him, He will not only continue to provide, but He will bless me with more, and I can enjoy it.

This just gives me so much hope, and lifts so much off my shoulders. What an amazing lesson at a time when I need it the most. He never fails me!!