Sunday, January 30, 2011

Was MLK the last person to have a dream? probably not.

I got a phone call friday afternoon.
"Marjie, do you want to have a girls night?"
It was my 5 year old niece, with that sweet, innocent, high pitched voice asking me to come spend time with her. "Or just babysit me?" she continued.

I had plans for this weekend, but
what are you gonna say to that?
"I'd LOVE to have a girls night. Or babysit you!" I told her.
"Well which one?" she asked.
"Do you wanna have a girls night? Or babysit me"
"Um, either one!"
"Girls night? Or babysit me?"
"Well, whichever one you want to do."
"Okay let's have a girls night and watch It Takes Two. I'll see you tonight, love you, bye."

Now that's how you make a sale. Hang up before they have time to negotiate. SO change of plans for me!

I hit the books to finish up some online quizzes, knowing back home I'd be limited on my internet access. Then I packed up the truck and headed west.

The next day (Saturday) it was so beautiful outside I couldn't resist walking through town. To my surprise the walk from my sisters house, on the edge of town, to the center of town took me less time than it takes me to walk to class every day.

It was surprising to me, for some reason. But walking through town still gave me that same joy I get walking through the city.

I also went and visited my house, where I grew up, where my parents still live. To my surprise, it was empty. No people. No more horses in the field. No more cats or dogs. No more family.
It was so empty, but it still smelt like home.
I swung on the front porch swing just looking out to the fields and thinking.
What my life used to be like, what my life is like now, what I want my life to be like in the future..
And now I think I'm even more confused than ever.

People have a lot of different ideas on what life is supposed to be about.

Life is about having fun.
Life is about doing what you want to do.
Life is about working.
You only have one shot, do what makes you happy.
You only have one shot, chase your dreams.
...which is it??

The only thing I know for certain is that you only have the one shot. After that, it's a little unclear.
I think it comes down to how you define success.

I've defined success as being the best you you can be.
When I pictured the best me, I pictured a good job, a good degree, good grades...

But now I'm starting to think,
what if the best me is a happy me?
When I picture a happy me, I picture people who love me, big animals, big engines, and big outdoors.
Am I supposed to be happy? Or am I supposed to be my best?
Am I my best when I'm happy?

Am I supposed to work my life away and keep the people I love in my heart? Find happiness in good jobs, good grades and a good degree?
Or am I supposed to stay in a small town with a small job? Find happiness in love, and things I enjoy?
Is my dream to be independent - to move around a lot, to meet tons of new people, learning and growing my whole life?
Or is my dream to find a man and settle down in the country and have a family - maybe a few horses, a boat, a four-wheeler and some land to ride on?

These are questions that need to be answered.
These are things I should know.
This is why I left town, to try and figure it out for myself. But I've been gone for two years and I just now formulated the questions.
Maybe another two years and I'll have the answers.


Mollie said...

The unexamined life is not worth living.

Patricia Lynne said...

All those questions are so true. What is the meaning of happiness? How should we go about being happy? Who knows? Not me. Guess all we can do is try our best and see what the end results are.
Good luck to you.