I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the cold weather; maybe it's the early nights, the open sky or just my lil ol' lonely heart; but winter always seem to bring out single-itis.
That disease where you are just sick of being single!
But I guess this year, it's not just that I'm single. I can handle being single. In fact, it's rare that I'm not single. It's the fact that I don't even have any prospects!
I usually at least have that good guy prospect. A guy to talk to, hang out with, keep warm with.. You know, that guy you're not in a relationship with, but definitely hope things progress with.
Usually for me, he's the same guy things do not progress with because he wears down my nerves in 3 weeks.
So it's not the relationship I miss.
You know the feeling: When your heart starts jumping, your stomach gets a little tickled - starts knotting up, and your mind gets all clouded. I'm talking about those good old butterfly flitters you feel, when everything you want is staring you in the eye.
I know you know the feeling. You have to know the feeling. It's probably the one feeling you can pull from the past and remember so well.
I sure do. It is probably the only feeling that when I think about, I can pinpoint the exact spot I stood, the exact people involved, the exact outfit I was wearing when I felt them.
Like those nights we sat on my tailgate talking underneath starry the night sky. I know it sounds so corny but when it happened, I felt like I was in a movie. I can remember it all so perfectly; What I was wearing, how our conversations went and exactly how good it felt to be there with him.
The times I didn't know what he was thinking - when I thought about everything I said and did just to make sure I didn't do anything wrong. When he looked me in the eyes, took me by the hand or just held me close.
It doesn't take a relationship to get the butterflies, it could be a guy you're in to, or just somebody you really care about. I'd even get the butterflies playing sports. When the people I loved the most were in the stands watching me. When it was 24-23 and the volleyball was set to me. Or when the bases were loaded and I was at bat on the softball field.
When I think about the past and remember the moments I got the butterflies, they were some great moments! So great that they're easy to remember, and hard to forget.
I got the butterflies a lot when I was younger. But I don't get them anymore.
And that is what's upsetting.
Anyway, it's not something I think about a lot. But tonight was just one of those nights I guess.