God Sent Us an Angel

After dinner and a full days work for my mom and I, we were in the kitchen doing dishes. With the laundry going, left-overs to be put away and a dirty floor, we began discussing the grievances of life.

“Life is so much work,” I complained to my mother, unsure of what the response would be. I half expected a “Get-over-it” answer. I kind of anticipated a “But-it’s-worth-it” reply.

To my surprise, I got a sudden “Oh my gawsh I know!”

She said it in one breath, like she’d been holding it in for days. As if she wanted so badly to share this verity with someone, but wouldn’t dare be the first to complain.

We went on.
“You have to do dishes once, sometimes twice a day. Laundry needs to be done weekly.”
“Vacuuming, mopping, dusting; and those are just chores in the house. Then you have to actually go to work to make money.”
“And some of us have school!”

Suddenly we were interrupted.

“JUST BE GLAD YOU’RE ALIVE!!!!!” we heard a little angel yell. My 6 year old niece came flying through the kitchen, halo and all. “Just be glad to be alive guys.” she repeated once more.

“You could not be alive. And then what?"

My mom agreed with her, obviously not wanting to crush her young, naive attitude towards life. But me? I wanted to set the angel straight.

Well yes, sugar plum. That’s easy for you to say! “Happy to be alive.” Ha!
You’re biggest fear is bats being in the woods.
You’re biggest disappointment is taking a nap in the afternoon.
Every penny you find gets spent on toys.
You can still get candy on Halloween!
You’re dreams haven’t met reality.

These are the exact words that flew through my head at the time. I wanted to be proud of my niece. I wanted to recognize her young wisdom and commend her. But what I really felt was sorry for her. Sorry that she would someday be disappointed. Sorry that the world will condemn her for being positive, calling her "naïve," and not take her wisdom seriously calling her "young."
But dwelling on her words I've started to feel more for them. I had a very hollow response when the words seemed to only skim my mind. But it started to sink in. Be happy to be alive.

First of all, she's six. And she is VERY wise. Most of what she says is very insightful. And I don't ever want to be the empty vessel making her feel like her words mean nothing.

I see so much of my younger self in her, with her positive outlook on life. I'm just afraid for her. I don't want her to believe people when they say innocence is a bad thing. I don't want her to ever feel naïve. And mostly I want her to always hold on to that feeling, to be happy to be alive.

I just get so caught up in the negatives I never think about being happy to be alive. I get caught up in blaming Adam and Eve for this life, and dreaming of Heaven. "How can I be happy to be alive when if I'm dead I'll be in Heaven?"

That's my thought process. And it's wrong.

What makes me think I'm going to Heaven when God clearly put me on Earth for a purpose and all I do is whine and complain and not complete that purpose?

It's something I need to work on for sure, and I thank God everyday for my little angel!

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are?

You're chicken, you've got no guts.

You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Jobless.

Today was my last day at my job. I woke up and went straight to work. I woke up too late to eat and had to go straight in to my 7 hour shift. So I ate nothing until 8:00pm. Didn't know it was my last day until 7:00pm when they posted the schedule and I saw that I was not scheduled to work the 2nd week of my 2 weeks notice.

I'm a sales associate for a store in the mall. I've been working there for about... 4 months now. And I wouldn't mind continuing to work there, they just make it impossible for me to have a life.
They don't even make the schedule until Saturday. The LAST day of the week. So if you wanted to have plans on Sunday, you can't make them until Saturday night.

Because heaven forbid you try to change your availability. It takes 20 minutes just to say you can't work a certain day or certain hours in a day, and you need a manager to help you log in and type it in.
And heaven forbid you need a manager. It's always "too busy" or just not a good time!
"Come back later," is what I always got. And in my head I replied, "I have a life, and now is the time for me to talk to you. So I guess you will just find out what I have to say when it's happening," ie: quitting.

I tried to talk to her for weeks about me keeping my job through school, changing my availability, and the issues I have with getting my schedule only a day before the week starts. (uhh, I have a life.)
But every time I tried to talk to her she either said "Later," or she wasn't there.

Let's get one thing straight. I don't like work. The ONLY reason I work is because it is necessary.

I believe there are jobs I'm suited for, and jobs I'm not suited for. Once I find the right job I'll be okay with working. But stupid side jobs you have to get just for quick cash are terrible!

Last year I waited tables only as long as I had to to pay rent (4 months). It was a terrible, terrible job. I cried almost every night when I left work. Parked outside of my apartment cleaning tears off my face so my roommate wouldn't know I'd been crying. It was not a good situation and so I got out of it as soon as I could.

I worked the summer before that on a horse farm earning and saving money for rent. I wanted so bad to move out on my own, I worked 9 hour days, 6 days a week. Sometimes more. I traveled from SC to TN to GA weeks at a time for horse shows. That was an experience I didn't mind, and will never forget.

So that 7 months of work held me over so I could live in an apartment for a year. But as soon as that year was up, I jet out of that city and moved back in with my parents.

That's right, I'm back living in the small town. Driving an hour to school 4 days a week in a clunky old F150. 17 miles per gallon. 1 broke headlight. 1 broke tail light. 1 frequently flat tire. And a nice silver tailgate on a dark green body.

Moving out on my own, well, I was just so over it. I had to have this much money by the end of the month to pay rent. I had to be able to afford groceries or I wasn't eating.
Paying for cleaning supplies, electricity, toiletries, groceries.. it's all stuff you take advantage of before you live on your own.
Next thing you know you're stealing toilet paper from public restrooms, taking home extra ketchup packets and napkins from McDonalds, and eating only bread, ramen noodles and water.
(all of this is a true statement of my life.)

So here I am, jobless, living above my parents, trying to figure out where I want to go from here.