Taken Care Of.

Whenever I’m in a period in my life when I feel close to God, it’s so amazing. It’s been a while, honestly, since I’ve felt close to Him. But without suffering, how will we know joy? And without distance, how will we ever know warmth?

For the first time in forever I can hear Him. It’s so strange, it blows my mind how fast He works. I just started doing morning and night devotions 2 days ago, and already I hear Him talking to me. He’s never left my side!

Just that thought alone gives me enough joy that I could fall to pieces and not care. 

I got into reading Ecclesiastes somehow, don’t ask me how God lead me here to this book and this chapter. It had nothing to do with my devotions, except that if I hadn’t started these devotions, I probably would have never clicked on a link, and read someone’s testimony, and got interested in Ecclesiastes 5: 5, and then looked it up and read the whole chapter. 

Isn’t it crazy how God can take you from where you are and lead you to where you need to be?

The entire Ecclesiastes chapter 5 is a really good read, but I just really feel like I need to share starting at verse 10. It just really hits home.

Ecclesiastes 5 New Living Translation (NLT).

The Futility of Wealth

¹⁰ Those who love money will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness! ¹¹ The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what good is wealth—except perhaps to watch it slip through your fingers!

¹² People who work hard sleep well, whether they eat little or much. But the rich seldom get a good night’s sleep.

¹³ There is another serious problem I have seen under the sun. Hoarding riches harms the saver. ¹⁴ Money is put into risky investments that turn sour, and everything is lost. In the end, there is nothing left to pass on to one’s children. ¹⁵ We all come to the end of our lives as naked and empty-handed as on the day we were born. We can’t take our riches with us.

¹⁶ And this, too, is a very serious problem. People leave this world no better off than when they came. All their hard work is for nothing—like working for the wind. ¹⁷ Throughout their lives, they live under a cloud—frustrated, discouraged, and angry.

¹⁸ Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. ¹⁹ And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. ²⁰ God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.

Verse 11 – “The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what good is wealth—except perhaps to watch it slip through your fingers!”

Do you ever feel like that? Like your money just goes, and no matter how much you make you’re going to have the same amount left over? I say this all the time! I could make $600 one month and have the same left in the bank as if I made $1200 that month. It doesn’t make any sense to me! But to hear the Word of God say it – I don’t know, it just does something to me. It gives me a sense of calm. All this stressing about money – but we weren’t meant to have any of it! What we get is a blessing from God, so just sit back and be thankful for what He’s given you, and TRUST that He will provide what you need!

^16 “And this, too, is a very serious problem. People leave this world no better off than when they came. All their hard work is for nothing—like working for the wind. ¹⁷ Throughout their lives, they live under a cloud—frustrated, discouraged, and angry.”

This – this is just a jaw dropper to me. This is exactly how I feel. So the way I feel… is the same way God feels? So I’ve been kind of angry with God about something He too is upset about... so, have I been mad at the wrong guy?

^18 “Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good.” 

Oh, so there is some good news here??

“It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. ¹⁹ And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it.”

Okay, so what you’re saying is… Work for what you got, and then enjoy it. No, no, no… “enjoy their work under the sun;” so what you’re saying is… Do what you enjoy doing. 

So this life, God, isn’t just a test to see who can make it to Heaven? It’s not some punishment for the fallen man?

You see the problem we have with all this work we have to do just to survive, and you pity us?? 

You see me, God, living under this cloud of frustration, discouragement, and anger.. and you just want me to be happy. 

You didn’t create the world to be like this, did You?

There is one thing I know and it's that God is good. He is faithful. He provides. He is Good! He has never let me down, I’ve always been able to pay what I need to pay to survive – and find the work when I need it. I just need to accept my lot in life, accept my portion, accept that I am broke right now. And if I follow God and trust Him, He will not only continue to provide, but He will bless me with more, and I can enjoy it.

This just gives me so much hope, and lifts so much off my shoulders. What an amazing lesson at a time when I need it the most. He never fails me!!

A Father's Grief

To my boyfriend Donnie

In memory of our son

Braden Ray Leach

April 15, 2013

This poem made me think of you. You've been so strong. I'm so sorry your first Father's Day has to feel like this.

It must be very difficult 

To be a man in grief, 

Since "men don't cry" 

and "men are strong" 

No tears can bring relief.  

They always ask if she's all right 

And what she's going through. 

But seldom take his hand and ask, 

"My friend, but how are you?" 

He hears her crying in the night 

And thinks his heart will break. 

He dries her tears and comforts her, 

But "stays strong" for her sake. 

It must be very difficult 

To start each day anew. 

And try to be so very brave- 

He lost his baby too. 

More than a memory

It's been 8 weeks today since my boyfriend took me to the hospital for a regular check up. 20 weeks pregnant - half way there! We were so excited because this was the check up we'd finally find out the sex.

We had a few wall decorations, a car seat,  rocking chair, bottles and one outfit, but after this check up we could finally really start getting ready.

At our first sonogram, 11 weeks, I had eaten an orange for breakfast, and boy did it make baby hyper! It was amazing to watch him dance around in my tummy.

So 8 weeks ago we walked in the office, after drinking a fresh cup of orange juice, hoping to see my baby partying some more. "Party in the womb!" I called it. I closed my eyes as the doctor showed Daddy the sex, I promised to wait until later at the reveal party to find out. But then the doctors voice changed.

I don't remember much, I just remember her coming in and out with another doctor, and then some nurses. I remember looking at my boyfriend so confused.. Why are they so calm? But in their voice something sounds so wrong? Is it bad? Is it okay to cry? Okay or not, I was crying. But I'll never forget the look in the doctors eyes as she handed me a tissue. It was a look that told me it was okay to cry. It was finally an answer to my question - yes, something is very wrong here.

I was put in a wheel chair and wheeled through a long tunnel as my vision went blurry. Everyone was rushing yet everything was in slow motion. I closed my eyes and next thing I remember I was in a bed with at least 5 people above me poking and strapping things to me left and right. One was my boyfriend.

"Call Mom," I told him. Part of me was scared out of my mind and part of me started to wonder if I should even call anyone. I won't be here long, everything is gonna be fine.

It was a long 4 days on bed rest. I couldn't move, barely sit up to eat, and barely focus long enough to have a conversation. I don't remember too much, just a lot of praying and planning to be in the hospital for a long time. And a lot of visits, calls and texts that were really appreciated. Anything to take my mind off of what was happening. 

But when night came and it was just me and my boyfriend Donnie, there was no escaping the reality of it all. We just held hands and looked at each other with worry. 

I was 20 weeks pregnant, and 6cm dilated. The only thing holding Braden in, the doctors said, was the membrane (the water). The only thing I could do for a chance for my son to survive was lay in a bed for 3 to 20 weeks. 

We definitely had hope.

I was surprised at how many people reached out to me and had similar experiences as mine. Not only that, they were all success stories - women who were on bed rest for 3 months and saved their baby's lives. I had so much hope.

But Monday rolled around and the cramps started, around 7a.m. I thought it was strange that my boyfriend and I were both up at 4:00 that morning, but now I know why, and I'm glad we were.

Anyway, I could tell you details from that morning, but it would probably end up with me blaming people for what happened. I remember crying as the pain got worse and the nurses crowded over my bed once again, and I looked at my boyfriend -- still by my side -- and I just shook my head saying " It's too soon. It's too soon!" His voice broke and he just said " I know baby." 

Then my water broke. I was rushed into labor and delivery where my family surrounded me with love as we waited to have a baby who we all knew would never be able to live. It was so screwed up. Nobody knew how to feel or what to say, at least I didn't.. I just wanted to sleep for 3 months and then wake up and say it was just a nightmare.

 It was awful.

And now, 8 weeks later, I can honestly say that everyday does not get better. I don't even live day to day any more, it's moment by moment. Some moments are better, but some are just as excruciating as that Monday in the delivery room.

I cry all the time. I cry because people are gonna forget that I have a son. I cry because people may not consider me to have a son. 

I cry because I want to pitch in to stories about my pregnancy or giving birth, but that will lead to too many unbearable questions. 

I cry because I never got to feed him, never got to feel him grasp my finger, hear his little yawn, teach him how to say Dada.... 

But every single day, I cry because I'm doing something and realize that I should be doing this pregnant. I should be huge. I should have a son on the way.  

So many people are on Facebook complaining about their pregnancy, but I enjoyed every minute of mine. The bad never seemed that bad because it all - even the bad - meant I was going to have a little baby to take care of. 

I even cry some times when I haven't been thinking about it, because I don't ever want to forget, or let it be small. I don't want it to be over. I don't want to move on.

I cried when the nurse called it a miscarriage. Technically that is what happened, I miscarried him. But I held him in my arms, I gave birth and held my son in my arms and so many people I think don't realize that.

It's just so hard to comprehend.