Life is Nothing Without You

Today is the day. The one day of the year that I keep in my mind all year around. The one day that I have already planned to plan nothing for the rest of my life. April 15.

The day that I have tattooed on my neck. The day that I simultaneously dread and look forward to. The day that changed my life forever.

It's the day that my son would be turning 2, should life have thrown me the miracle I prayed for.

Or, the day that should mean nothing to me, should life have gone the way I had wanted.

But that's not what life is about, is it? When something good happens, when things go as planned, you don't hear people say, "Well, that's life for ya!" Because that's not life.

Life is full of disappointment, lost hope, broken promises. It comes with pain, loss and grief. Life is ugly.

And what I've learned over the years is that nothing, and I mean nothing compares to the love of Jesus Christ.

Nothing can give you hope, restore your joy, or fill the void when you've lost the thing you valued most in life quite like God can.

Nothing else can pull you in and hold you tight when you feel all alone and afraid for your life, or give you hope when you think there's no reason for you to stay, or give you strength when you feel like you can't get back up.

Everything in this world is fleeting. Here today, gone tomorrow.

But God is forever. He is Zen. He is love, forgiveness, teacher, shrink, father, and best friend. He is your good conscience, your direction.. He is everything.

In everything that has happened in my life, He is the one constant. He is home.

It's not the church, it's not the people, it's not the small town, it's not the house I grew up in, it's not eating pizza on Friday nights. Everything that I thought made me happy, is nothing.

And now I know from here on out, anything that I think makes me happy, is nothing. It's nothing compared to God.

Taken Care Of.

Whenever I’m in a period in my life when I feel close to God, it’s so amazing. It’s been a while, honestly, since I’ve felt close to Him. But without suffering, how will we know joy? And without distance, how will we ever know warmth?

For the first time in forever I can hear Him. It’s so strange, it blows my mind how fast He works. I just started doing morning and night devotions 2 days ago, and already I hear Him talking to me. He’s never left my side!

Just that thought alone gives me enough joy that I could fall to pieces and not care. 

I got into reading Ecclesiastes somehow, don’t ask me how God lead me here to this book and this chapter. It had nothing to do with my devotions, except that if I hadn’t started these devotions, I probably would have never clicked on a link, and read someone’s testimony, and got interested in Ecclesiastes 5: 5, and then looked it up and read the whole chapter. 

Isn’t it crazy how God can take you from where you are and lead you to where you need to be?

The entire Ecclesiastes chapter 5 is a really good read, but I just really feel like I need to share starting at verse 10. It just really hits home.

Ecclesiastes 5 New Living Translation (NLT).

The Futility of Wealth

¹⁰ Those who love money will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness! ¹¹ The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what good is wealth—except perhaps to watch it slip through your fingers!

¹² People who work hard sleep well, whether they eat little or much. But the rich seldom get a good night’s sleep.

¹³ There is another serious problem I have seen under the sun. Hoarding riches harms the saver. ¹⁴ Money is put into risky investments that turn sour, and everything is lost. In the end, there is nothing left to pass on to one’s children. ¹⁵ We all come to the end of our lives as naked and empty-handed as on the day we were born. We can’t take our riches with us.

¹⁶ And this, too, is a very serious problem. People leave this world no better off than when they came. All their hard work is for nothing—like working for the wind. ¹⁷ Throughout their lives, they live under a cloud—frustrated, discouraged, and angry.

¹⁸ Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. ¹⁹ And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. ²⁰ God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.

Verse 11 – “The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what good is wealth—except perhaps to watch it slip through your fingers!”

Do you ever feel like that? Like your money just goes, and no matter how much you make you’re going to have the same amount left over? I say this all the time! I could make $600 one month and have the same left in the bank as if I made $1200 that month. It doesn’t make any sense to me! But to hear the Word of God say it – I don’t know, it just does something to me. It gives me a sense of calm. All this stressing about money – but we weren’t meant to have any of it! What we get is a blessing from God, so just sit back and be thankful for what He’s given you, and TRUST that He will provide what you need!

^16 “And this, too, is a very serious problem. People leave this world no better off than when they came. All their hard work is for nothing—like working for the wind. ¹⁷ Throughout their lives, they live under a cloud—frustrated, discouraged, and angry.”

This – this is just a jaw dropper to me. This is exactly how I feel. So the way I feel… is the same way God feels? So I’ve been kind of angry with God about something He too is upset about... so, have I been mad at the wrong guy?

^18 “Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good.” 

Oh, so there is some good news here??

“It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. ¹⁹ And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it.”

Okay, so what you’re saying is… Work for what you got, and then enjoy it. No, no, no… “enjoy their work under the sun;” so what you’re saying is… Do what you enjoy doing. 

So this life, God, isn’t just a test to see who can make it to Heaven? It’s not some punishment for the fallen man?

You see the problem we have with all this work we have to do just to survive, and you pity us?? 

You see me, God, living under this cloud of frustration, discouragement, and anger.. and you just want me to be happy. 

You didn’t create the world to be like this, did You?

There is one thing I know and it's that God is good. He is faithful. He provides. He is Good! He has never let me down, I’ve always been able to pay what I need to pay to survive – and find the work when I need it. I just need to accept my lot in life, accept my portion, accept that I am broke right now. And if I follow God and trust Him, He will not only continue to provide, but He will bless me with more, and I can enjoy it.

This just gives me so much hope, and lifts so much off my shoulders. What an amazing lesson at a time when I need it the most. He never fails me!!

God Sent Us an Angel

After dinner and a full days work for my mom and I, we were in the kitchen doing dishes. With the laundry going, left-overs to be put away and a dirty floor, we began discussing the grievances of life.

“Life is so much work,” I complained to my mother, unsure of what the response would be. I half expected a “Get-over-it” answer. I kind of anticipated a “But-it’s-worth-it” reply.

To my surprise, I got a sudden “Oh my gawsh I know!”

She said it in one breath, like she’d been holding it in for days. As if she wanted so badly to share this verity with someone, but wouldn’t dare be the first to complain.

We went on.
“You have to do dishes once, sometimes twice a day. Laundry needs to be done weekly.”
“Vacuuming, mopping, dusting; and those are just chores in the house. Then you have to actually go to work to make money.”
“And some of us have school!”

Suddenly we were interrupted.

“JUST BE GLAD YOU’RE ALIVE!!!!!” we heard a little angel yell. My 6 year old niece came flying through the kitchen, halo and all. “Just be glad to be alive guys.” she repeated once more.

“You could not be alive. And then what?"

My mom agreed with her, obviously not wanting to crush her young, naive attitude towards life. But me? I wanted to set the angel straight.

Well yes, sugar plum. That’s easy for you to say! “Happy to be alive.” Ha!
You’re biggest fear is bats being in the woods.
You’re biggest disappointment is taking a nap in the afternoon.
Every penny you find gets spent on toys.
You can still get candy on Halloween!
You’re dreams haven’t met reality.

These are the exact words that flew through my head at the time. I wanted to be proud of my niece. I wanted to recognize her young wisdom and commend her. But what I really felt was sorry for her. Sorry that she would someday be disappointed. Sorry that the world will condemn her for being positive, calling her "naïve," and not take her wisdom seriously calling her "young."
But dwelling on her words I've started to feel more for them. I had a very hollow response when the words seemed to only skim my mind. But it started to sink in. Be happy to be alive.

First of all, she's six. And she is VERY wise. Most of what she says is very insightful. And I don't ever want to be the empty vessel making her feel like her words mean nothing.

I see so much of my younger self in her, with her positive outlook on life. I'm just afraid for her. I don't want her to believe people when they say innocence is a bad thing. I don't want her to ever feel naïve. And mostly I want her to always hold on to that feeling, to be happy to be alive.

I just get so caught up in the negatives I never think about being happy to be alive. I get caught up in blaming Adam and Eve for this life, and dreaming of Heaven. "How can I be happy to be alive when if I'm dead I'll be in Heaven?"

That's my thought process. And it's wrong.

What makes me think I'm going to Heaven when God clearly put me on Earth for a purpose and all I do is whine and complain and not complete that purpose?

It's something I need to work on for sure, and I thank God everyday for my little angel!

Why So Serious?

"The unexamined life is not worth living."

Well sure, it's not worth living. But why not?

If a person is not open for others to question his or her thoughts and action, or lives in denial of the motivations that prompt his or her thoughts and action, then it is a waste of his or her life. Such a life is a superficial act, revealing nothing new, nothing unique. Such a life is not "real."

-Wiki

This is probably the biggest thing I have struggled with. I've tried so hard to be able to provide the answers when people question my life, to find my motivations, find reasons.

But is it possible that you can think too much?

I feel like I've spent so much time focused on the reasons for living, that I have lost track of living.

 

Everything has become a constant thought. I think before I speak, I think before I act, I think about what I have done, and I dissect every detail of my life trying to understand my motivations, trying not to hurt people.

Why does everything need an explanation right away?

It's like when you take someone to Disney World and they just keep asking, "Why are those people dressed as mice?"

"Why can't you just sit back and enjoy yourself?!"

What happened to the girl who said things just to make someone laugh? The girl who did things without thinking?

The girl who knew she had a purpose, and rather than trying to explain the purpose, she just lived out the purpose.

Somewhere along the way I stopped to examine my life, which is okay for a brief time, but at some point you've got to get going again. I forgot to pick things back up, I never stopped analyzing it.

I got so worried about living a "superficial act, revealing nothing new."

When I stopped to think, I over-thought. 
 

Suddenly I saw anger and confusion in peoples faces when I said off-the-cuff things. I saw myself as immature for doing things without thinking.

I became obsessed with pleasing others, answering questions correctly, doing the right thing; not just trying to live the best life, but trying to be the best at life.

Maybe it did become kind of a competition. I compared myself to others all the time. I'd look at where they are the best in life, and try my hardest to be more like them in that area. Because I want to be the best.

I just wish I could turn my thinker off, stop questioning things, stop comparing myself and just enjoy the wonderful life God has given me.

So I failed.

I am not a good waitress. I SUCKED as a waitress.

I’ve never waited tables before, and they kind of just threw me to the wolves here. I basically taught myself everything I knew by asking people questions

- because nobody ever bothered to teach me.

Story of my life though.

I knew I sucked all along, but as in everything I do,

I knew I could get better.

The problem arose when I realized it was taking me much longer than most people. When I became convinced I was a problem to the restaurant, and it would be better for me to just leave.

This... ‘revelation’ if you will, came to me when the lady who hired me began suggesting other jobs where I’d “make more money.”

“Working at a grocery store, or in the mall; the CVS or Publix…”

I wanted to say, “So what your saying is.. I suck.”

But no, I stood there and took it like a man.

I told her I knew this was coming and that I had already started looking for jobs elsewhere. (which wasn't a complete lie. I had applied to Toys-R-Us, but they were quick to shut me down via e-mail saying that according to my résumé I’m not what they are looking for.)

So at this point I was just feeling thrilled with myself. Full of positive feedback SURE of my success.

not.

So anyway, she wasn’t firing me, but she sure was pushing me towards the door.

So I did what any red blooded American would do. I sued.

no just kidding - I quit.

And my LAST WEEK THERE one of the girls decides it’s time to start helping me be a better waitress. Like, really? Four months after I started. Two days before I quit. And you think now is the right time?

She came up to me and said, “We need to talk.” She took me to a table, “So I know we don’t get to work together a lot, but when we do, it looks to me like you could use some help.”

I was like, uh, yeah.

She said, “I think you could be a great waitress. When people tell you what to do, you do it fast and you do it good. But the problem comes when people don’t tell you what to do.”

“Correct.” I said. “Because I don’t know what to do.”

As the day went on she continued helping me until I was doing "great" on my own. And even though it was almost my last day and I knew I had no future there, the fact that this girl had faith in me and was willing to help me was inspiring.

It seems like all my life I have been fighting for people to accept my failures by saying:

“OKAY I’m not good at this, who cares.”

or “We can’t all be good at this!”

And rather than have them encourage me to succeed, I’d always prefer they simply sit by and encourage me to move on.

“Don’t worry, you can’t be good at everything."

"There’s plenty of other things out there you are great at.”

But then I realized how wrong that is. We need people in our lives to be hard on us, to encourage us to stick with things. People who are willing to say, “No, you can do this!” - and if you’re lucky, someone who is also willing to help you.

After realizing this, unfortunately I became upset that I quit. I wanted to take it back and continue trying. I don’t really quit a lot of things - no matter how bad I am.

But I read this quote:

“Do the one thing you think you cannot do.
Fail at it. Try again.
Do better the second time.
The only people who never tumble
are those who never mount the high wire.
This is your moment. Own it.” -Oprah

It helped me get over my failure. My failure, you should know, is not that I didn’t succeed as a waitress, it's that I quit my job.

I can't stand the fact that I gave up. By giving up, we hold ourselves back. But this quote reminds me that I can still try again.

It's not my time, I don't mind.

I felt like I was waiting in line for a ride. I was 4'5, and when I finally got to the front they told me I had to be 4'6 to get on.

----------

Have you ever felt like that? Like you've waited and waited for so long just for this one moment, and when you finally think it's your time, BAM! It's not.

So I stood there. Closed my little eyes, stretched all my muscles in my body, & prayed to God He would let me grow.

"Now God!! I'm ready!! It's just an INCH God, that is all I need! I TRUST in You, I KNOW you can make me grow an inch right this second if You wanted to! Come ON God!!"

I tried to grow, in that moment. Because I thought I was ready.

The thing is, you can't force growth. Physical, spiritual, or mental growth... It all comes in time.

Ecclesiastes ¹ There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:
² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

But that is how I felt when I finally got to college.

"Alright God, I'm ready to grow!!"

"I'm here to be the woman you want me to be. I'm here to find the man you want me to meet. Figure out the road you want to lead me down. I've waited so long, God, I'm ready to go."

I just thought once I got to college, it would become clear. I would know where I'm supposed to be and grow into the person needed for that position. So imagine my disappointment when it didn't happen. Like a kid, who just found out she isn't tall enough to ride the ride she's been waiting in line for. Like a kid who feels like she's never going to be big enough. And it has her wondering, "Why am I even at this theme park?"

Truth is, I'M NOT the person that most offices in the Sport & Entertainment business would hire. I have no idea where I want to be in the business and to be honest I don't really care. I'm not there yet. It just isn't my time.

If we were all 100% on our own, where would God be in our lives? If we were the person we wanted to be, then we wouldn't need God.

So for now, I'm ok being here, trusting God will one day get me there.

Where Are My Tears?

Just after hearing that my great grandma died yesterday morning, I got another phone call that my grandpa, on the other side of the family, also passed away.

-----------

Hearing the news of Nana, while extremely sad, was expected. I got to say goodbye to her. I hoped deep in my heart a miracle would happen, and she'd be wake up with a 75 year old body & mind & live forever. But to get that news and not cry was understandable. I had already cried those tears. I had been crying those tears randomly for months.

But hearing that my Grandpa died, out of the blue, in his sleep; it just kind of hits you, like running into a pole. You don't see it coming (obviously), it shocks you and hurts for a couple minutes, but then you don't really feel the reality of the pain until the next day.

My Grandpa was such a nice guy. He was so funny. I didn't get to see him too often because he lived in Florida, but it's the fact that I'll never see him again that makes me miss him so much right now. The fact that I didn't know the last time I saw him might actually be the last time I ever saw him.

Today has just been a day of thinking about Papa and all the fun things I remember about him.

I'll never forget the first time I went golfing with him, Dad, & Aunt Ma. They taught me everything I know about golfing, from which club I should use to how close I can get a golf cart to the green. He was so serious about his golfing. The whole family is. I got to thinking about this when I read my dad's facebook status about Papa's last day. He said:

Dad's last day on earth: 18 holes of golf, a nap, dinner at Cracker Barrel, watch the Yankees, go to bed. A perfect day in his world!

It made me laugh because it's so true. And then I thought about how many times we've eaten early bird dinners at Cracker Barrel. And his amazing cheesecake. And I read some things my cousins wrote on facebook that reminded me of how Papa always said he wanted his first tattoo to be two propellors on his butt cheeks. haha.

I just love how the memories make me laugh. That's a good thing. I like celebrating the life we enjoyed over crying for the death we suffer.

RIP

Rest in Peace?

---------------------

RIP is the typical way to address a death in writing. And it seems like such a nice thing to say.

"Rest in Peace." Like the person who just passed is resting.

And in most cases I use it. RIP. I think with every person, or animal who has died in my life, I've said RIP.

But I just can't say, RIP Nana.

Nana has been resting in peace for long enough, don't you think?

As far as peacefulness goes, rarely have I ever seen her not peaceful.

I mean, maybe that one time when I threw a fit because I wanted a Strom

boli, and it stressed Mimi out and made her cry. Nana really got on to me.

But even at 1am when Nana would walk into the living room and catch me and Brian still awake watching tv, she was very peaceful.

Even when she lost at yahtzee, even when she needed help to get out of a chair, and had trouble opening Christmas presents, and even when she had to move in to a nursing home with a roommate who chewed tobacco and kept the room 80 degrees. She was always at peace.

And she has been stuck in that bed resting for months now. Stuck with the walker and cain for years. I think she's had enough rest.

It just feels.. not right. I don't want Nana to rest anymore. It might sound strange or retarded but I smile when I think about Nana in heaven, with her sisters and her husband! With a new body, and wings! Not only can she get out of bed she can fly! (honestly idk if the Bible says we'll fly, but don't it sound good?) And while her heart is still at peace, I just picture her so incredibly happy.

So RIP, Nana? nah. RIP's for the birds. Heaven's for you!

Nana playing school with Eva.

How Do You Know When It's Time to Move On?

I feel like i'm too young to be worrying about the stuff I am.

I should be focusing on my hair, and my tan & having fun.

I'm 19. It's still my year to be 19 & crazy like I always planned. I feel like I've changed so much since I moved to college. I haven't really changed, it's just with everything else changing I don't know what to do with myself. I mean you spend your whole life (18 years) making friends and getting yourself situated where you are, and for what? You move away and leave it all behind.

And yeah it's good memories, but that's all it is - memories.

And you've planned on moving away your entire life. You're gonna make it big and live the good life. Be a college kid; no parents, tons of friends, and a city. (aka, not a small town)

But then you get to this new place and you feel how hard it is to change and to move on, and suddenly your plan gets fuzzy. Suddenly you don't know what you want anymore. All you've ever wanted was the absolute best.

You're taking a chance by moving on and hoping for better things. Staying in the past seems like the safe bet, but is it? I mean, it could be settling. You don't know. Nobody knows. You just go, you pick your faith up and you go holding on to the hope and love as best you can.

So there you are, you've decided you're going to take the chance. You've decided it's not even a chance anymore, it's a definite plan. No matter what, you are going to make things better.

Do you know what that takes? Do you realize how hard that is?

It takes money, endurance, acting, and focus.

Everything cost money. The apartment you live in, the food you eat, the meter you park at, the gas to fuel your vehicle, the places you go.

So you work. Giving you less time for fun, less time to study, more stress, and paying you barely any money.

That my friend takes endurance: to show up to work even when you hate it, to go home and study all night even though you're tired as crap, to go out with friends when all you want to do is lay in the bed and hide.

You may think it's silly, but making friends is a huge part of life! And if you don't set aside time for that, if you don't make yourself do that, you are not going to make it in life.

You have to be a good actor to make friends. You have to be able to pretend to be happy, to pretend to want to be there, pretend to know them, pretend you don't miss your friends back home. 

And with all that going on, you have to keep focus. You have to focus on your budget, focus on your job, focus on your new friends, focus on your old friends, focus on keeping your house clean, focus on your school work, focus in class.

All the while, you have to be perfect. You have to have it all together. Because nobody likes a complainer. Nobody like an insecure person. Nobody likes a loner. Nobody like a mean girl. And while you need to act like you don't care what others think of you, you do, in fact, need to care about what others think of you.

I guess my biggest thing right now is this: I've invest 6 years of my life into the friends I have now.

It took me 6 years to get to where I am with them. It's a relationship you build on and work at for years! And it's not easy learning the ins and outs of others, learning what makes them angry, what makes them laugh, how to tell when they're lying.. I mean it's something I enjoyed, definitely, but by no means do I want to just let it slip away. I can't just throw away all that time and energy and love. And I definitely can't just re-create it with other people. I just feel like nobody amounts to the people I already have in my life. Nobody is as good for me, or cares about me as much as them. I've already got the best, do I really want to move on with the possibility of losing all that?

Sure moving on might mean getting a lot of better things in my life, but it might mean losing the best things.