Til Death Do Us Part. Uhh... can you define death for me please?

When I see these couples who have been married for 25 years or more, I see the contempt in their conversation (or lack there-of), the numb tone in their voice when they are forced to speak to each other, the sadness in their eyes and the death that seems to have taken over their life. I see these couples everywhere; at church, family gatherings, weddings.. and I give a stupid look to the nobody I'm talking to and ask why do young people still think it's going to be different for them?

"Oh we will never lose sight of our love for each other." BULL.
"Well we're going about marriage in a very practical way, it's not 100% based on love so when the love is struggling, we'll be able to pull through." BULL.

I don't buy it for a second. I don't buy in to this whole idea that 2 people can live happily side by side for the rest of their life. I'm not sure I've ever seen it done.

I always thought there was a chance that this marriage thing could work with sensible people. When things start getting tough you put your partner first and work hard and everything will be fine. But now I'm realizing there are some things you just can't see coming. Some things you just can't fix. Even fixable things just become so tangled, you can't figure out how to fix it. And it's been so long that you've forgotten what it's like to be fixed, so you're not even sure it's worth the work anymore.

How do you survive that? It wears you down. It confuses you so you can no longer think straight. It keeps you up at night so you can no longer focus on anything. It makes you cry until you can no longer feel anything. Until you're numb. Until you're dead inside.

At which point, does this constitute the death we said in our vows? "Til death, do us part."
"Well honey, I'm officially dead inside. Grounds for divorce."

But I just don't understand where love goes. I honestly have a headache because I can't figure it out. How can you be so in love with somebody, and just completely stop one day? I mean you HAVE to be dead inside for that to happen. You have to literally feel nothing anymore in order to no longer love someone you once loved. I don't believe love just disappears.

So if the love has gone away, and it hasn't disappeared, then that means somebody did something with it. What'd they do, push it away? After 30 years? You just push all that love right out the window? I don't see how that's possible either.

And how impossible it is for someone to see how much their partner is struggling, astounds me. It really does. For 20 years she kept her mouth shut because she didn't want to argue, she wanted to stay in love with him. I don't believe that he honestly thought she was fine all those years. He knew, he just didn't care enough to ask. He didn't realize that could lead to the death of her, which is grounds for divorce.

So now that he realizes he could lose her, he talks, every waking hour he tries to talk about their problems. All she can see is her own pain, and she's become so used to saying nothing that she just sits there. She can't see that her silence is killing him.

Is there hope anymore? Do either of them have any hope that their partner will save them? Probably not because they are so busy trying to save themselves.

All this time, all they've done is what they thought was right for the marriage, for their partner, for themselves... and it has failed them. 30 years of love, of struggle, and of life together just doesn't even matter. They can barely remember it.

Now it's time to do what's right for the kids. So they stay together, in silence, and kill each other some more. Because they didn't say, "Until emotionally dead inside, do us part."

Welcome to the new generation.

A few weeks ago, my grandpa came down to visit me in small town, South Carolina.

I love it when I get to see my grandparents - they are so on the same page as me.

I'm an old school kind of girl, conservative - keepin' it classy. you know.

So we decided to go to Subway for lunch, one of the few restaurants in my town.

yes, I just called Subway a restaurant.

and yes, it is connected to a gas station.

On the way home from Subway, Papa looks at me. He says, "Alright Marj, let's get down to business."

And I couldn't tell you what went through my head as he said this. What kind of business??

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

ohhh. that kind of business.

"No." I told him. "I don't."

He said, "Why not?" I gave him that same old same old... I just can't find anybody I can put up with.

He says, "Well, are you dating anybody? Do you go on dates?"

I wanted to say, "A date? Papa, what is a date?"

Seriously, this generation is not a dating generation.

Is it because we're all broke? Is it because we're all insecure? Is it because nobody wants to man up and ask the other person out?

I read this quote in one of my books one time and wrote it down because I loved it so much:

"Guys today appear to be gutless, and it takes far too much hinting to get them to wake up. Basically this is an indication that their masculine character has been watered down. We want MEN back! Not the androgynous creatures created by our godless environment." - Catherine

I don't remember which book it came out of, unfortunately. But it made me laugh.

I think this is pretty funny, fairly sad, and relatively true. Our society has watered down the role of men.

But that's a different topic for a different time. I could go on and on with my feelings on that. From a conservative stand point, which would drive half of you up the wall.

Back on topic.. I don't think I've ever been on a real date.

These days, if you are "dating" someone, you generally hang out at their house, or go to a party together.

You rarely go out one-on-one. That is only special occasions.

But before you get asked to go to a party, or asked to come hang out at the house, you have to pass the texting test.

He'll text you, and if he likes talking to you, he'll text you again a couple days later. If he still likes talking to you, he'll start texting about every night, at the same time, every night.

If you continue to text each other, after a while he will text you "Hey, we should hang out." This is when you do the happy dance because the past week of aggravating texts and struggling to find a response to "yeah." and "lol" have finally paid off.

And you'll go hang out. And if enjoys your company, he'll text you the next weekend, "Do you wanna go do this?"

And it just grows from there.

Eventually Valentine's Day or your birthday will come and he will be forced to take you on a date. But that involves putting up with somebody for that long.

Which, I, have not been able to do.

BUT, instead of going through all of this with my grandpa, since we were almost home. I just simply said, "No, I haven't been dating anyone."

How to lose a guy in ten days. (because andy anderson fell in love with the guy and never actually wrote the article.)

“It’s a dating how-to, in reverse.” For those creeps you want absolutely nothing to do with, but you are just too sweet to break their heart.

 

I mean, why is it so, incredibly easy to get the guy that you are totally, completely and utterly not attracted to on the phone, asking you out, and falling in love with you?

 

It’s like the impossible task in reverse.

Because instead of it being impossible to get the guy to notice you, it’s impossible to get the guy to leave you alone.

 

I don't know, maybe it’s not a problem for most girls, but this is my problem. And it’s Logan’s problem. That’s why she is my best friend; we are like in cahoots with our relationship, “issues.”

I remember when we first talked about it, she told me her issue, “He texts me soo much! If I don’t text him back, he re-sends it! And if I ignore THAT he just waits a few hours and starts a whole new conversation. I need my space! He is driving me insane.”

Everyone within a 5-mile radius could hear my shriek of excitement. “Holy bananas, me too!! I hate it, I’m just like, get a life!”

And she goes on to tell me another issue. “Why do I always get the creeps? Let me tell you what he did….”
Then I let out another shriek, “ME TOO!! Why do we get always the creeps??! Remember ghost boy??”

For those of you who don't know, ghost boy is a guy I talked to for a couple weeks in high school, until one night on the phone he just stopped the conversation,

“Woah,” he said. “I just saw a ghost.”

“Umm…”

 

I didn’t know what to say. And then he just kept going about how his house is planted on an old Indian gravesite, and he sees ghosts all the time and now he’s a friend with the ghost and he shuts the doors for him…

Ohhhkay. All of a sudden I was “too tired to talk on the phone,” and “just not ready for a relationship.”

But I just realized that I am an expert at shrugging guys off. I mean, I have got it down to an art. Seriously. Give me one of these nuts and I can make him go from texting me, calling me, stalking, me to wanting nothing to do with me in 10 days. I've got it down so I never have to be mean and break the poor guys heart; it can even boost his confidence and maybe give him a chance with another girl; it allows us to stay friends, after he’s hit creeper mode. And lucky you! I'm going to share with you the best process I have found to do so.

How to take him from freak to friend in just 10 days.

He’s texting you. And it’s obsessive. And all you want is to ignore him. But no, with out flirting reply with as few words as possible until he asks you to hang out.

I know, I know, the last thing you want to do is hang out. But trust me.

So he asks you to hang out on a certain day. Suggest hanging out sooner. He says a new date and time. Agree; tell him you’ll text him tomorrow.

An hour before you’re supposed to hang out, make up an excuse and don't go.

You’ve got to make him anticipate this hang out sesh.

The more he wants it, the easier it is to let him down.

Change the plan to hang out in a few days. Go on with your life, blowing off his texts. When he texts you tell him you’re “getting into the shower”or “about to get to class” or “just sat down for lunch.”

You don’t have to text him until the day of the hangout.

Once you get over there to hang out, do. nothing. Be friendly, don’t be mean, but just sit there.

Complain that you want to do something or play a game - but then suck at the game. Quit the game. Turn on the TV and watch girly movies. When he flirts just ignore it, pretend not to notice. By the end of the night, he’ll either get the point, or just completely be turned away by you.

NOTE: This is only to be practiced on complete creepers who don't know how to take a hint. Or who refuse to take no for an answer.

It's the moon, or the stars. It's the

Butterflies

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I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the cold weather; maybe it's the early nights, the open sky or just my lil ol' lonely heart; but winter always seem to bring out single-itis.

That disease where you are just sick of being single!

But I guess this year, it's not just that I'm single. I can handle being single. In fact, it's rare that I'm not single. It's the fact that I don't even have any prospects!

I usually at least have that good guy prospect. A guy to talk to, hang out with, keep warm with.. You know, that guy you're not in a relationship with, but definitely hope things progress with.

Usually for me, he's the same guy things do not progress with because he wears down my nerves in 3 weeks.

So it's not the relationship I miss.

It's the butterflies.

You know the feeling: When your heart starts jumping, your stomach gets a little tickled - starts knotting up, and your mind gets all clouded. I'm talking about those good old butterfly flitters you feel, when everything you want is staring you in the eye.

I know you know the feeling. You have to know the feeling. It's probably the one feeling you can pull from the past and remember so well.

I sure do. It is probably the only feeling that when I think about, I can pinpoint the exact spot I stood, the exact people involved, the exact outfit I was wearing when I felt them.

Like those nights we sat on my tailgate talking underneath starry the night sky. I know it sounds so corny but when it happened, I felt like I was in a movie. I can remember it all so perfectly; What I was wearing, how our conversations went and exactly how good it felt to be there with him.

The times I didn't know what he was thinking - when I thought about everything I said and did just to make sure I didn't do anything wrong. When he looked me in the eyes, took me by the hand or just held me close.

It doesn't take a relationship to get the butterflies, it could be a guy you're in to, or just somebody you really care about. I'd even get the butterflies playing sports. When the people I loved the most were in the stands watching me. When it was 24-23 and the volleyball was set to me. Or when the bases were loaded and I was at bat on the softball field.

When I think about the past and remember the moments I got the butterflies, they were some great moments! So great that they're easy to remember, and hard to forget.

I got the butterflies a lot when I was younger. But I don't get them anymore.

And that is what's upsetting.

Anyway, it's not something I think about a lot. But tonight was just one of those nights I guess.

2nd grade boyfriends & the lasting love of girlfriends

In second grade, I got my first real boyfriend. I’ll never forget how it felt to have the cutest boy in my class want to be called my boyfriend.

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His name was Michael. He wasn’t just the cutest boy in my class; he was the cutest boy in second grade. He told me how much he liked me and that he wanted to be my boyfriend.
“But your Jessie’s boyfriend,” I told him.
“Well I’m gonna dump her,” he assured me. I smiled and ran to tell my best friend Jessica.

But we were all kind of friends in the second grade. I mean when it came down to it, we all played together on the playground, and we all went to each other’s birthday parties - that’s what a friend was in second grade.

It all went down when Michael dumped Jessie in class one day.

I remember they were standing in line to wash their hands at the classroom sink, and I saw him tap her on the shoulder. I’ll never forget the look she gave me. It was one of those mature, hand on the hip, head-bobbing-evil-eye looks that a second grader should not know how to give. After that, I had no girl friends in second grade. Jessie turned all the girls against me. It was just me and Michael against the world.

Michael and I became best friends. We would climb trees, swim, and jump on the trampoline together. It was true love.

He was even my first kiss (that wasn't initiated by my parents). But as time went on, we started drifting a part.

This was one of my birthday parties, 3rd or 4th grade. Michael is on the left in his blue shirt, I'm on the right in my pink shorts. We had a lot in common - style, obviously being one.

I think it all finally ended in 5^th grade. I didn’t have a birthday party that summer, so when school came back around, Michael ignored me thinking I didn't invite him to my birthday party. And he even went so low as to not invite me to his birthday party. It. Felt. Terrible.

So in fifth grade I was a chubby little girl with a broken heart, surrounded by the same girls I left for a guy in second grade. Luckily, they were there for me. We became best friends and grew to have our own little clique that every girl in the fifth grade tried desperately to join. But we were selective. We got in fights, and barely stayed in touch over the summer, but every year it was like a new beginning with these girls. Instead of them just ignoring me at the beginning of each year like Michael did, they gave me excited hugs and told me all about their summer.

We were friends until high school, when I had to switch schools and towns. Just as it had always been, we didn’t keep in touch. New school, New beginning, No cell phone. I made whole new friends. But the philosophy I learned during my time at that school stayed with me through high school. And that philosophy is this:

When you form a bond with a guy, it can be broken. With unspoken words, wrongful actions or constant arguments, somebody will turn away from the bond. But when two girls bond as friends, it is next to impossible to break that bond. Unspoken words tend to be heard, wrongful actions are greeted with forgiveness, and constant arguments are forgotten, as the bond just grows stronger.

This is why I surround myself with friends and I'm not too keen on relationships. I learned early not to leave your friends for some guy. So now there is no more wondering where my pessimistic viewpoint on relationships came from. Second grade. lol It is amazing what an effect a girls childhood will have on the rest of her life.