Today is the day. The one day of the year that I keep in my mind all year around. The one day that I have already planned to plan nothing for the rest of my life. April 15.
The day that I have tattooed on my neck. The day that I simultaneously dread and look forward to. The day that changed my life forever.
It's the day that my son would be turning 2, should life have thrown me the miracle I prayed for.
Or, the day that should mean nothing to me, should life have gone the way I had wanted.
But that's not what life is about, is it?
When something good happens, when things go as planned, you don't hear people say, "Well, that's life for ya!" Because that's not life.
Life is full of disappointment, lost hope, broken promises. It comes with pain, loss and grief.
Life is ugly.
And what I've learned over the years is that nothing, and I mean nothing compares to the love of Jesus Christ.
Nothing can give you hope, restore your joy, or fill the void when you've lost the thing you valued most in life quite like God can.
Nothing else can pull you in and hold you tight when you feel all alone and afraid for your life, or give you hope when you think there's no reason for you to stay, or give you strength when you feel like you can't get back up.
Everything in this world is fleeting. Here today, gone tomorrow.
But God is forever. He is Zen. He is love, forgiveness, teacher, shrink, father, and best friend. He is your good conscience, your direction.. He is everything.
In everything that has happened in my life, He is the one constant. He is home.
It's not the church, it's not the people, it's not the small town, it's not the house I grew up in, it's not eating pizza on Friday nights. Everything that I thought made me happy, is nothing.
And now I know from here on out, anything that I think makes me happy, is nothing. It's nothing compared to God.
2 comments:
Hi, I enjoy reading your site! Is it okay to contact your through your email? Please email me back.
Thanks!
Cailyn
cailynxxx gmail.com
Braden would be 2 1/2 now, putting sentences together, choosing some interests more than others and revealing his personality to us. The sadness of our loss will never go away, but the pain will lessen.
I hope you continue to lean on Christ for healing and direction. there will be times you feel far away from him and like you can't hear from him and there will be times you will feel so close and dependent on him. But he is always there, always has his hand on your life. we will never know why Braden was not allowed to live and grow with us. but we do know that Christ loves us and always want the best for us. I love you so so much and I know better days are ahead.
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