I Am 1 in 4 #IHaveFootprintsOnMyHeart

When I was younger, miscarriage wasn't openly discussed. Fortunately for my mom, she didn't experience it - I'm sure things would have been different in our house if she had. Outside of the house it was never brought up either. Being raised in church, I'm pretty surprised that in 21 years the subject was never touched on.

I honestly was probably a little judgmental to the few people around my age who I knew had a miscarriage. I remember thinking one girl really needed to get over it after years of sharing her grief online, and I remember even thinking another girl's lifestyle probably had something to do with her loss.

The sad thing is, that's what ignorance does. THAT is why so many women are speaking up today. Because no one deserves to be judged like that after losing a child, no matter what the circumstance is. Whether she's single, considerably young, considerably old, been told she can't have babies and tried anyway, a recovering addict, in a bad relationship, the list goes on.

There are so many ways to judge someone for their loss, but the fact is that most miscarriages occur because the fetus isn't developing properly - and that's that. There's nothing anyone could have done differently to bring about a different outcome.

So when I was pregnant with my first in 2014, the thought of losing him never once crossed my mind. Who knew that it happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies? Not just 1 in 4 people.. 1 in 4 pregnancies. That's A LOT.

When I showed up to my regular scheduled ultrasound at 20.5 weeks, it was a total gut punch when the ultrasound tech stopped everything and walked out of the room to get the doctor. Right then and there, I had no idea what was happening but it was like I knew it was over. The fear, the overwhelming sadness, the confusion all took over and my tears started pouring out.

Once I was in the hospital room surrounded by family and nurses, I finally started to calm down and feel hope that he could make it. The fight wasn't over.

People from church called my mom and told her stories, their own or a friend's, they said if I stayed on bed rest he could make it. I believed! What hope I had from others sharing stories.

I just wonder how different things might have been if I had heard more stories before even getting pregnant. What if I knew how common miscarriage is? What if I knew what incompetent cervix is? Or knew that skin to skin contact has saved lives? 

My son ended up being stillborn at 21 weeks. Read the full story here. 

It's taken me years to adjust to this new life. Stillbirth is one of those things that marks a turning point for a mother. There's life before this, and there's life after this. You're not the same person and you're life is not the same. People leave your life who could never understand, and people come into your life who are amazed at your strength and help you when you need it.

In January of this year, my husband and I experienced another form of loss that was also totally new to both of us. We had an early miscarriage at around 6 weeks.

We had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of months and were just waiting for the day that I could take a pregnancy test and see results. Finally that day came. I took the test while he was at work, and cried pure happy tears when I saw the positive results. I was so excited to tell him that I ran to the store and bought a cute onesie and a box to put it in. I set up a whole surprise with cameras and all to capture his reaction, because I knew he would be the cutest. It was such an amazing moment.

That week, we worked out other surprises as ways to tell the family. We took his family dinner and gave them a puzzle to figure out. Their reactions were the best! 

It was the best 2 weeks expecting to have his child. Even after what I had been through before, we decided to not let the fear of what could happen get in the way of our joy. It was very early, but we were so ready for this baby.

And then early one morning I woke up while he was at work and saw some spotting. My heart dropped. I got back in bed and hid under the covers praying it was nothing more than just some regular pregnancy spotting. I had friends praying too. As soon as the doctor's office opened, I went.

The first step was for me to take a pregnancy test. I sat and waited with the nurse for the results. We waited. And waited. "It doesn't look like your pregnant," she said.

Again, the tears came rolling down my face. I was so broken hearted again. Not only that, I was angry. She was ready to dismiss me and send me home.

"I took 2 positive pregnancy tests 2 weeks ago." I told her. I showed her pictures of the very visible pink lines. She looked at the pregnancy test again. 

"You know what, I do see a very faint line."

I demanded to have an ultrasound. They were going to have to prove to me there was no baby in there. The ultrasound tech pulled it up, and there it was, a tiny little fetus that hadn't grown past the 4 or 5 week mark.

The doctors and nurses were so nonchalant during this. I almost felt like I shouldn't even be crying based on how they treated me. But the fact was that we had just lost our baby. 

They called it a chemical pregnancy. Another doctor called it a missed abortion. Whatever that means. I don't care what they call it or how careless they want to act about it, a miscarriage is a woman losing her baby. And in this case, it was my husband too, and his family, and my family. All of us, here again, losing a baby.

I don't think anyone could ever know how incredibly hard that 48 hours was for us.

And even 2 months later, when we did try again and found out we were pregnant again - that loss was with us. We were in fear. Our family couldn't be nearly as excited as they were the first time. It was just so hard to feel like this baby wasn't getting celebrated the way she deserved.

But if there's one truth that my experiences have taught me, it’s that every story matters. Every loss is different. Every story deserves to be shared - not just for the family with the loss, but for the girls who didn't know this could happen or who thought they were alone. We need each other’s stories.

If you experienced a loss and didn't grieve much - there's someone out there feeling guilty for not grieving and needs to know it's okay. If you experienced a loss 10 years ago and still cry every day - there's someone else out there who needs to know they're not alone.

For many women who lose a child, no matter what the situation is, we wonder what is wrong with us. We don't just question what is wrong with our bodies, but what is wrong with our psych, and our womanhood. We question what is normal? What does the future hold?

At least I did.

So I encourage you to share your story this October with the hashtag #ihavefootprintsonmyheart

Share your story in the comments, share it on social media, babycenter or your own blog. Scream it out so that others know your baby existed and someone may find your story their saving grace.

Things To Expect With Incompitent Cervix That I Wasn't Prepared For

When I was first pregnant at 21 years old, I went in for a 20 week check up and found that I was 6cm dilated. They diagnosed me with Incompetent Cervix. 

I was put on bed rest - the only option when your cervix is this thin. It was only 4 days until my water broke and my son came way too soon.

My doctor at the time assured me that the next time I got pregnant, I would be able to have a procedure done that would give me a high chance of carrying full-term or close to it.

So this pregnancy, at 12 weeks I was fortunate enough to meet with a local specialist and at 15 weeks I got a cervical cerclage.

That is about all that has gone as expected this pregnancy. Pretty much everything else came as an absolute shock.

Here are the 10 things that I didn't expect with incompetent cervix: 

1. Being Awake During the Cervical Cerclage Procedure - and feeling the doctor doing things inside of me. I had hoped there was a safe way to knock me out without hurting the baby, but unfortunately all I got was a spinal. It numbed all pain from the chest down, however I was still wide awake during the procedure. I could hear everything, and there were some weird sounds. I could feel objects moving around inside me. It literally felt like a dentist appointment in my vagina.
2. Staying in a Recovery Room for 5 Hours Post-Procedure - I've had a gallbladder surgery, and that's about it. This recovery room experience was a first for me, and completely unexpected. The recovery time was unexpected as well. I had read online it could be 3 hours, but I didn't know why. My surgery was done at 12:30pm, and I didn't leave the hospital until about 5:30pm. I got out of the recovery room a few minutes before 5pm. That's almost 5 hours in a room full of really sick, coughing, suffering loudly people. The person to my left was hacking up a lung for hours, the person to my right was snoring really loud, and the person on the other side of the hallway stripped naked and ran off. I couldn't leave until I could lift my own butt off the bed, and I must be a light-weight because that spinal took forever to wear off.
3. Taking a Pill Every Night, Vaginally - Apparently progesterone suppositories are a regular recommendation for those of us with incompetent cervix who get the cerclage. I read a study that I can't find again, but I believe it said without progesterone the cerclage is about 50% successful, and with progesterone it's above 80% successful. So every night when I am about to pass out and then remember I need to take this pill and really want to skip it and just go to sleep, I remind myself how much this can help my baby survive and get my butt up to take the pill.
4. Feeling the Cervical Cerclage Inside Myself (when I insert the pill every night). This really had me freaked out the first time it happened. I was trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling, was it my baby or placenta slipping out of me? Was the cerclage falling out? It doesn't help that it was at night when my thoughts tend to really run wild. I didn't sleep at all that night. Then the doc told me it was just extra cerclage ribbon hanging down.
5. Still Having to Wear Pads - One of the things I looked forward to most during pregnancy was not having to worry about pads & tampons anymore.. boy was I wrong. Some days I say screw it and don't wear them, but I usually regret that because the amount of discharge caused by my progesterone pills. It's almost enough to make you think your water broke some days.
6. Having So Many Doctors Appointments - When I first found out I was pregnant, starting immediately I wanted the doctor's office to see me every week just out of concern. Being that I was only about 6 weeks, they, of course, didn't. But once I got to my second trimester I was going bi-weekly at least, sometimes weekly or even twice a week. By 20 weeks, I had been to 10 appointments when most people would be on their 2nd appointment. No complaints here - luckily I have a job that allows me to do it. I have no idea how others could keep a job and have incompetent cervix, though.
7. Not Being Put on Bed Rest, But Knowing It Could Happen Any Day - Before this experience, I thought there was a good chance that when I got my cerclage I would be put on bed rest or modified bed rest at best. But I've actually been allowed to do "life as normal" - it doesn't always feel like it since I can't do anything that exudes too much energy or stress on my body like working out, or anything that could cause infection like swim or take long baths. But I can still go on vacation, go grocery shopping, do the dishes & laundry, film weddings on the weekends that I have them booked (I am a wedding videographer), etc. Unfortunately, this doesn't apply to everyone, and it could not apply to me in a couple of weeks. As long as my cervix is measuring 3-4cm long my doctor says I can carry on with a fairly regular life.
8. My Cervix Growing Over My Cerclage - I'm only 23 weeks right now, so as far as I know this hasn't happened to me, but I am fully expecting it to. The women I've talked to in the waiting room have had this happen, and when I brought it up to the doctor he was like, "Ah, yeah that happens," all nonchalantly. Apparently it happens a lot. They just cut the cerclage out and it leaves a lot of scar tissue.
9. Planning to Have a Regular Labor Experience / Vaginal Delivery - I honestly didn't know if once I got the cerclage I'd be able to have a vaginal delivery. I thought once I was sewn up it would stay and I would have a C-section. Apparently they will do another procedure to take the cerclage out around 37 weeks, which should allow me to naturally go into labor and have a vaginal delivery anytime after that.
10. Not Knowing What's a "Normal Pregnancy Pain" And What's Different For Me. There are a lot of random things that happen to pregnant women that may have never happened to someone else before, skin issues as an example is something I've dealt with. But when it comes to certain abdominal pain, it's really hard for me to know if it's "normal" or if it's because my cervix is adjusting to being sewn up, or is it infection, or is it something else? As if pregnant women don't have enough to stress out about, every little pain makes me wonder if my stitch is okay or if something could be going wrong.

Did you have a cervical cerclage? Let me know what you've been dealing with that you were totally unprepared for in the comments!

10 Things To Do For FUN During a High-Risk Pregnancy (If You're Not on Bed Rest)

23 weeks and counting, and this high-risk pregnancy has me really struggling to find ways to feel like myself and not feel like life as I know it is over.

I've always said that I won't be a mom who drops everything she loves when she has kids - and I know I'm too selfish to ever let that happen, but right now I have to do everything I can to keep my baby girl safe inside me.

My husband works swing-shift, and it's hard enough to get time together. Lately when we do, the conversation usually starts like this:

Husband: "What do you want to do tonight, babe?"
Me: "I'm not really sure, what do you want to do?"
Husband: "I can't really think of anything that won't put too much stress on your body."
Me: *huge sigh*

My body is exhausted of resting. My hips are killing me from laying on my side so much. And I'm only halfway through this pregnancy.

I found myself typing into Google: "Things to do for fun when your high-risk" and all I got were huge lists of things I couldn't do. Typical.

SO I have compiled a list of things that WE CAN do during a high-risk pregnancy - given that you're not on bed rest. Of course, everyone of us is different, and for some of these you should probably text your doctor really quick to make sure it's okay in your specific case. I know you have his or her cell number just like I do.

For the record here is a quick cap of things I can't do during my high-risk pregnancy that I usually do for fun:

1. Swim
2. Take a bath
3. Have sex
4. Drink wine / alcohol (obvious but still worth mentioning)
5. Over-eat
6. Exercise
7. Ride go-carts /  four wheelers
8. Bowling
9. Duck hunting

10 Things To Do For FUN During a High-Risk Pregnancy:

1. Mini Golf - My doc approved for me to go to the driving range with my husband, we both enjoy golfing. But after a while the heat and the big swings had me feeling some pain that scared me. But mini golf is a definite date idea during high-risk pregnancy. The small swings, light walking, and going in the evening as it's cooling down outside makes it a win in my books.
2. Play Board Games - This isn't something my husband and I have a habit of doing on our own. Some couples do. We used to have friends over for drinking games, but now we're learning to sit at the table and play board games sober. Invite some friends or family over, or stick to the two of you. When you can't have sex, it can be a struggle to find ways to be intimate with your husband. A little one-on-one competition or game of laughter is great way to step away from the electronics and focus on each other.
3. Paint a Canvas - Everybody loves to paint. I've found myself signing up for Paint 'n' Sip nights and then realizing I can't sip. But canvas's and paints are really cheap and easy to find at Walmart. Don't forget to pick up a small table easel and you'll be all set for your own relaxing paint night at home. Just don't forget to drop the perfectionism when you pick up the paint brush or you'll end up stressing yourself out. Nobody has to see this painting when you're done, just do it to relax, and if you enjoy it, you'll get better in time.
4. Beach/Lake Day - Lay out, sit in the shade, walk along the shore for a little while, go fishing... If you don't live close to the beach or a lake, maybe take a ride up the closest mountain, to a nearby waterfall, or whatever cool landmark is near your city and just have a picnic and enjoy the view with your significant other, family or friends. It may seem like the last thing you want to do if it's a couple hours away, but if it gets you out of the house and doesn't put stress on your body, just do it or you're going to go crazy this pregnancy.
5. Shoot Pool / Billiards - This involves a decent amount of bending over, but if you pull up a chair and have no shame, you can do this without putting too much stress on your body and enjoy a night out with the husband like you used to, only a little different. It kind of prepares you for old age together. 
6. Listen To Live Music - Facebook events are wonderful for finding local live music. Go to the local park, bar or restaurant to hear some live music. Maybe pick a genre or event you wouldn't usually go to like open mic night or bluegrass, you need a little spice in your life right now. Heck, go to karaoke and try doing it sober for once.
7. Get a Massage / Couples Massage - This can be pricey, but when my husband and I were dating I signed up to be a secret shopper, and we were reimbursed for both of our massages. During this pregnancy he bought a prenatal massage for me early in my second trimester and it was amazing. I wasn't getting any sleep and had tension headaches all day long for about 2 weeks straight, after my massage the headaches and back pain went away. I started sleeping better too, until later in the second trimester when my belly got much bigger - but this was solved with a pregnancy pillow.
8. Go To the Local Flea or Farmer's Market - Walk at your own pace, quit when you've had enough. Get outside for a while and spend very little money on things that you need or don't need for your little one that's on the way.
9. Go to a Comedy or Theater Show - Nothing beats a night of hardy laughter. Who needs to drink when you're thoroughly entertained? Find a comedy show or a show at the local theater that sparks your interest. Not only are you supporting your local community, but you're going to have a night out with very little stress.
10. Google Things To Do In Your City or Towns Nearby - The chamber of commerce in most towns are just now getting with the program and starting to get their websites updated with useful information. If you looked before, there could be something totally new on their website now. I have always loved horses. I just recently moved near a town that hosts annual horse races. When I googled things to do in that town, I was really happily surprised to see that I could go to the track and watch the horses exercise, and they host a National Steeplechase Museum. I would have never known this if I wasn't sitting home, bored out of my mind during my high-risk pregnancy.

Got any other ideas? Leave a comment with some things we could do during our high-risk pregnancies!